Tony Goldmark - The Road! lyrics

My daddy was a beat-up car That had crashed into a Carl's Jr. star In a truly misconceived daredevil stunt My mama was a green guitar Whose strings were torn out and set on fire By a desperate band of music-hatin', STD-laden punks Well, the two met at the dump Had a freaky three-way with a rusted gas pump Nine weeks later, I popped out somehow And they told me, "Now... When daddy's too damn drunk to let you in the house Sleep on the road! That dirty, smelly plush toy of Minnie Mouse Came from the road! And when we're on road trips And you scream like it's the apocalypse And we chuck you out for fear you might explode Your new babysitter's named the road!" My uncle was a minotaur Who fell in love with a Baconnaise jar And consummated love 'til it was filled He dropped it on the road one day It shattered, much to his dismay And my tiny cousins living in that jar, I must say, weren't thrilled They fried like secret sauce Their society plunged into total chaos Bacon-flavored seed don't stand a chance Against fire ants! That's just what happens when you fall in love with jars Here on the road! You're slashin' tires with the jagged shards Here on the road! How many have to die Before we all can see eye to eye And give every driver a firearm to reload? To defend each other on the road! Now me, I've walked this road for years I've stepped on squirrels and wrestled deers And I can make cars blow up with my mind I haven't changed since Labor Day My wife of ten years thinks I'm gay Last week I tied six chickens 'round my face And drove to Denver blind! It burns each time I piss And the very last time my common sense dis- -rupted me from my happy hour of need I disagreed! I told him everything you'll ever need to know Is on the road! The works of Shakespeare, Bach and Pica**o Lie on the road! I don't know why they're there Some dumb museum musta left 'em where Any truck could run 'em over like a toad I heard it call my name when the rooster crowed Connecting every town and province and zip code IS THE GOD-DANG ROAD! ROAD!