Thomas Z. Shepard - The Contest lyrics

[PIRELLI] I am Adolfo Pirelli The king of the barbers The barber of the kings E bon giorno, good day I blow you a kiss! And I, the so famous Pirelli I wish-a to know-a Who has-a the nerve-a to say My elixir is piss! Who says this? [TODD] I do. I am Mr. Sweeney Todd. I have opened a bottle of Pirelli's elixir, and I say to you it is nothing but an arrant fraud. And furthermore—"Signor"—I have serviced no kings, yet I wager that I can shave a cheek and pull a tooth with ten times more dexterity than any street mountebank! [PIRELLI] You hear-a this foolish man? Watch and see how he will-a regret his-a folly! [TODD] Will Beadle Bamford be the judge? [BEADLE] Glad, as always, to oblige my friends and neighbors Ready? [PIRELLI] Ready [TODD] Ready [BEADLE] The fastest, smoothest shave is the winner [PIRELLI] Now, signorini, signori We mix-a the lather But first-a you gather around Signorini, signori You looking a man Who have had-a the glory To shave-a the Pope! Mr. Sweeney whoever— I beg-a your pardon—'e'll call me a liar Say it was only a cardinal—Nope! It was-a the Pope! Perhaps, signorini, signori You'd like-a tell you The story of Queen Isabella The queen of-a Polan Whose toot' was-a swollen I pull it so nice from her mout' That-a though to begin She's a screaming-a murder She's later-a swoon-a with bliss An' was heard-a to shout Pull all of 'em out To shave-a the face To pull-a the toot' Require the grace And not the brute For if-a you slip You nick-a the skin You clip-a the chin You rip-a the lip a bit And that's-a the trut' To shave-a the face Or even a part Widout it-a smart Require the heart Not just-a the flash It take-a the art, I show you a chart I study-a starting in my yout' To cut-a the hair To trim-a the beard To make-a the bristle Clean like a whistle This is from early infancy The talent give to me By God! It take-a the sk** It take-a the brains It take-a the will To take-a the pains It take-a the pace It take-a the grace— [BEADLE] The winner is Todd [TODD] And now who's for a tooth pulling Free without charge [COMPANY] Me, sir, me, sir [TODD] Who else? No one? Then sir, since there is no means to test the second sk** I claim victory [PIRELLI] Wait, one moment, wait You, boy, get on that chair [TOBIAS] Me, signor? Oh, not a tooth, sir, I beg of you, I ain't got a twinge, not the slightest pain, I [PIRELLI] You do now. We see who is zee victor now [BEADLE] Ready? [PIRELLI] Ready [TODD] Ready [PIRELLI] To pull-a the toot' without-a the sk** Can damage the root Now hold-a the still an' if-a you slip You grip a bit, you hit the pit of it Or chip-a the do and have-a to fill To pull-a the toot' without-a the grace You leave-a the space all over the place You try to erase without-a the trace Sometimes is the case you even-a k** To hold-a the clamp without-a the cramp With all that saliva, it could-a drive-a you crazy Don' mutter or back-a you go to the gutter My touch is as light as a bu*ter-a cup I take-a the pains, I learn-a the art I use-a the brains, I give-a the heart I have-a the grace, I win-a the race I give up!