Thomas Z. Shepard - Pirelli's Miracle Elixir lyrics

[TOBIAS] Ladies and gentlemen May I have your attention please? Do you wake every morning in shame and despair To discover your pillow is covered with hair What ought not to be there? Well, ladies and gentlemen From now on you can waken with ease You need never again have a worry or care I will show you a miracle marvelous rare Gentlemen, you are about to see something that rose from the dead On the top of my head Scarcely a month ago, gentlemen I was suddenly struck with a rare oriental disease Though the finest physicians in London were called I awakened one morning amazed and appalled To discover with dread that my head was as bald As a novice's knees! I was dying of shame Till a gentleman came An illustrious barber, Pirelli by name He gave me a liquid as precious as gold I rubbed it in daily like what I was told And behold! Only thirty days old! 'Twas Pirelli's Miracle elixir That's what did the trick, sir True, sir, true Was it quick, sir? Did it in a tick, sir Just like an elixir ought to do How about a bottle, mister? Only costs a penny, guaranteed [COMPANY] Penny buys a bottle, I don't know You don't need, ah, let's go [TOBIAS] Go ahead and tug, sir Go ahead, sir, harder [TOBIAS] Does Pirelli's stimulate the growth, sir? You can have my oath, sir 'Tis unique Rub a minute Stimulating, in'it? Soon you'll have to thin it Once a week Penny buys a bottle, guaranteed [COMPANY] Penny buys a bottle, might as well I just did [TOBIAS] Gently dab it, gets to be a 'abit Soon there'll be enough, sir Somebody can grab it See this chap with hair like Shelley's? You can tell he's used Pirelli's [COMPANY] Let me have a bottle Make that two [TODD] Pardon me, ma'am, what's that awful stench? [MRS. LOVETT] Are we standing near an open trench? [TOBIAS] Buy Pirelli's Miracle elixir Anything what's slick, sir Soon sprouts curls Try Pirelli's When they see how thick, sir You can have your pick, sir Of the girls Wanna buy a bottle, missus? [TODD] What is this? [MRS. LOVETT] What is this? [TODD] Smells like piss [MRS. LOVETT] Smells like—phew! [COMPANY] He says it smells like piss What d'you think? [TODD] This is piss. Piss with ink [COMPANY] What is this? Where is this Pirelli? Yes, where is this Pirelli? [TOBIAS] Let Pirelli's Activate your roots, sir [TODD] Keep it off your boots, sir Eats right through [COMPANY] Go and get Pirelli [TOBIAS] Yes, get Pirelli's Use a bottle of it Ladies seem to love it [MRS LOVETT] Flies do too [COMPANY] Get the bloody money off him Get the bloody money off him [TOBIAS] See Pirelli's Miracle elixir Grow a little wick, sir Then some fuzz The Pirelli's Soon'll make it thick, sir Like a good elixir Always does! Trust Pirelli's If your hair is sick, sir Fix it in the nick, sir Don't look grim Just Pirelli's Miracle elixir That'll do the trick, sir— [COMPANY] What about the money? [TOBIAS] If you've got it a kick, sir— [COMPANY] What about the money? Where is this Pirelli? Go and get Pirelli! [TOBIAS] Tell it to the mixer Of the miracle elixir If you've got a kick, sir [COMPANY] What about the money? Where is this Pirelli? [TOBIAS] Talk to him