The Wet Spots - PSA lyrics

Honey, if like us you linger Around your backside with a finger And stimulate your prostate just for fun It's natural to fantasize About a toy of larger size And by all means, friend Go out and purchase one But should your prudishness preempt it Then you may be sorely tempted To improvise with what you have on hand I know it seems a perfect fit We advise you, wait a bit Listen to this song And you will understand Never put a fish in your bum, chum Not even one tiny little fishstick in your bum Never put a fish in your hole, Joel That frozen snapper's going to be too cold Well, it will give you an erection But it's sure to cause infection So never never never never never never never never never never put a fish in your bum Never put a vacuum in your bum, chum Never put that shiny tented hose in your bum (And don't put it on your co*k, either) Never put a vacuum in your crack, Jack There's better ways to tidy up round back Well, I'll bet you a hundred and fifty bucks That the experience is really gonna s** So never never never never never never never never never never put a vacuum in your bum Never put a cellphone in your bum, mum That's just a general rule of thumb Never put a cellphone in your a**, Ca** Ain't no reception up your (?) pa** Radiation causes sterilization And eventual loss of all sensation So never never never never never never never never never never put a cellphone in your bum Never put a bowling up your a** That's just cra** That mother's never gonna pa** Don't roll that big thing up your lane, Jane Have you gone totally insane? Although it's safer than a trout It can be hard to get the damn thing out So never never never never never never never never never never put a bowling ball in your a** Folks, folks, the Wet Spots, The Wet Spots care about your bums We love your bums And every year thousands of people are hospitalized because they make bad an*l choices That's right, honey And we want you to know that you can save yourself a trip to the emergency room if you just make a short detour to the toy store and buy yourself a quality silicone bu*t plug I hear women's wear is nice Not that kind of plug, honey But you should know never to buy a novelty toy, because novelties are meant to be kept on your knick-knack shelf, beside your fake vomit and your Whoopie cushion If it's a novelty, it might be made out of softened PVC, which is a material so toxic that Health Canada banned its use for dog toys So buy silicone folks And remember, your a** is not a joke If you accept these tips In your pursuit of an*l kicks You're sure to have a lot of good clean fun You're going to have a ball Just relax and start out small And don't forget to wash it when you're done Shooba-dooba-dooba-dooba-do-wa! Ahh!