Sycamore Smith - The Censored Sailor lyrics

I caught a spot of rabies last Fall While I was roaming through the South-- It was raining cats & dogs and every cat and dog was foaming at the mouth... I met a wild-eyed spinster on the back of a bus She asked if there was any part of her I'd like to touch When I told her "Yer nuts!" she got mad at me And lectured on female anatomy... I got a tight white sailor's suit on I got some beeswax with you on the futon If you got the time, honey, I got the moolah I'm not Mr Right, but I am Mr Two Wrongs... Cardinals with fuchsia feathers Grip their flies and flap together Here comes a bird with a ball on a tether Followed by another and another and another And the rest of this adventure is CENSORED Flanagan went a full year without bathing And he reeked like a Hell-born beast He used to slick his hair back every day With a bear claw and elbow grease So I told him "You'll be showered with candy and treats If you can knock a pinata off the branch of a tree" But what I showed him was not a pinata, no, 'Twas a beehive, actually... Thus he was chased by the bees They followed him down to the creek He jumped in the water-- The upshot's he got his First bath in fifty-two weeks If yer a wealthy old codger then y'better not lodge here At the Amputated Arms Hotel, pop-- The man behind the counter, though a brute & a bounder Is a milk-sop next to the bell-hop Who'd rather turn you inside oot & backwards Than pamper you, you highfalutin ba*tard-- Ask him for a hand with your bag And you are gonna catch a boot in yer sack, sir!