Spongebob Squarepants - Artist Unknown lyrics

Squidward: Ah, how I have dreamed of this day. Professor of Art. What a marvelous opportunity for the people of Bikini Bottom. Bring me your huddle ma**es of bored house wives and I will shape them into my image. [wife's head turns into Squidward's] And I'll go down in history, someday. And there will be a wing with my name on it in all the museums of the world. Janitor: Dude, you're teaching art at the Rec Center. Calm down. Squidward: Uncultured trash urchin. 9am. Time to let the cla** in. Well, don't want to keep them waiting any longer. [opens door] Welcome to art cla**! Nat: Oh, isn't this cooking? Sorry. [everyone leaves except one] SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward! Are you taking this art cla**, too? Squidward: SpongeBob? In art cla**? Wait! This is cooking! Come back! You gotta be kidding. SpongeBob: [laughs] This is great! You and me in school together. So, where's the teacher? Squidward: You're looking at him. SpongeBob: You are the teacher? To my pupil? This isn't art cla**, it's Heaven. Squidward: Yeah. Grab a little piece of Heaven and let's get on with it. SpongeBob: I'm ready, Mr. Tentacles. Squidward: So, you wanna be an artist, eh, SpongeBob? SpongeBob: Yes, please. Squidward: Well, art is not all fun and games. It's a lot of hard work. Ok. First, repeat after me: I have no talent. SpongeBob: I have no talent. Squidward: Mr. Tentacles has all the talent. SpongeBob: Mr. Tentacles has all the talent. Squidward: If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Tentacles talent will rub off on me. SpongeBob: If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Talent will rub his tentacles on my art. [smiles. The scene cuts to Squidward with a sad look on his face, the camera cuts back to SpongeBob and he is still smiling, the camera again cuts back to Squidward] Squidward: Whatever. Ok. Since you're telling me you have no prior training, we'll have to start from square one. Or should I say circle one. [draws a crooked circle, then laughs] Am I going to fast for you SpongeBob? SpongeBob: How's this, Squidward? Squidward: What the? How the? A perfect circle? Do it again. Show your process. SpongeBob: Well, first I draw this head. [draws an amazing head] Then I erase some of the more detailed features. And one, two, three. A circle, uhh, thingy. Squidward: Gimme that. [crumples paper] Forget the circles. SpongeBob: Ooh, nice one Squidward. Let me try. [laughs] Looky, Squidward. It's you and me playing leapfrog. That's you on the bottom. Squidward: Gimme that. [rips up paper] There is nothing artistic about leapfrog. [SpongeBob puts pieces together] What are you doing, now? SpongeBob: I call it: Rippy Bits. You take a bunch of old ripped of paper, and make a new picture out of it. See? You're on top...this...time. [blows paper] Squidward: Do you want to learn art, or not? SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Squidward, I'll listen. Squidward: Alright, SpongeBob, pay close attention. Look at your marble. Visualize the sculpture within. And... [hits marble with tools and it becomes pieces] SpongeBob: [hits marble with tools and it becomes a perfect sculpture] How's this Squidward? Squidward: [starry-eyed] It's beautiful! [a tear falls from his eyes] I mean, this isn't a sculpture. [SpongeBob's lip starts quivering] A good sculpture takes... more time. You can't just sculpt Willie-Nillie. You've got to go by the book. Follow the rules. [SpongeBob wipes away a tear] Otherwise, you'll never get pa**ed Amateur Hour, here. Besides, you've got the nose wrong. [Squidward puts a nose like his on the sculpture] There, now it's art. SpongeBob: Ohhh, it's so obvious. I would've never thought of that. I'm sorry, Squidward. I came here to learn and I arrogantly shoved your lessons. [falls down and starts crying] I'll never be a great artist like you! I don't deserve your tutoring. I don't deserve to be in your presence. [crawls over to the front door and looks back at Squidward] I don't even deserve to use your doors! [the doors open, hitting SpongeBob out the window into the garbage dumpster head-first] Monty: Hello, there. SpongeBob: But I did deserve that. [the dumpster closes on top of him] I deserved that, too. [garbage man takes SpongeBob to dump] And I deserve this! Monty: Good day, sir. Squidward: Sorry, cla** dismissed. You're too late. Monty: Oh, I beg your pardon, but I've forgotten my manners. My name is Monty P. Moneybags. Squidward: World famous art collector? Monty: The one and only. Squidward: Well, what are you doing here? Monty: I'm on a shopping spree. Buying art for my new museum. Squidward: Your search is over. I am Bikini Bottom's greatest artiste. I call this one: "Squidward en repose". Monty: I, uh, don't think that will fit in with the other pieces in my collection. Squidward: Why not? Monty: Because, it's an art collection. [laughs] Squidward: How about this one? I call it: Bold and Brash. Monty: More like: Belongs in the Trash. [laughs] Janitor: Sorry. I must've missed that one. [grabs the painting and throws it in the trash] Monty: Maybe I should be...huh? What is that? Squidward: Wait, wait. That's not uh, uh... Monty: Angelic form, amazing detail, perfect censorship. This is the work of a true genius. Hello? What this? This is the only flaw. [removes the nose Squidward added on] Ah, that's more like it. I simply must find the artist responsible. He shall have fame. Squidward: Fame. [Squidward imagines himself as popular] Monty: Fortune. Squidward: Fortune. [Squidward imagines himself in a tub full of money] Monty: Anything his heart desires. Squidward: Anything? [Squidward imagines himself with hair] It's me. It's me. I'm responsible. Monty: I can see it now. Your name in the world's most prestigious museums. I'm gonna make you, immortal!! Now, uh, help me get this in the car. Squidward: I could use a little help. [sculptures head falls off and turns into dust] My fame, my fortune, my hair. Monty: Well, that's a bit a bad luck right there. But, this shouldn't be a problem for an artist of your magnitude. You can whip up another one. Squidward: Yeah, no problem. You know, between you and me, this isn't my best work. Why don't you come back tomorrow and I'll have something that will really knock your socks off. Monty: Between you and me, I'm not wearing socks. [laughs] Squidward: Yeah, no socks. Ok, see you tomorrow. Bye. I gotta find SpongeBob!! [at dump] SpongeBob...SpongeBob? SpongeBob! SpongeBob: Go away, Squidward. I don't deserve your kindness. Squidward: Hey, cheer up. I have decided to give you another chance. Why, with a great teacher like me, anything is possible. SpongeBob: Don't look at me Squidward. Don't look at my shame. These hands weren't meant to create. They only destroy. I can't look at them. [SpongeBob's hands pop off and run into a soup can] Squidward: Aww, c'mon SpongeBob. You've got yourself a pair of yellow dandies here. With my help, we'll turn them into tools of beauty. SpongeBob: Really? Squidward: Really! SpongeBob: Really? Squidward: Really! SpongeBob: Really? Squidward: Really. SpongeBob: Wow. [pause] Really? Squidward: Let's go. SpongeBob: [notices a painting in the dump] Squidward, look. It's ol' Bold and Brash! Squidward: Gimme that. [back at cla**room] Ok, SpongeBob. Just do what you did before. SpongeBob: I...can't! Squidward: Ah, ah. Wait, wait. Let me help. Let's start with the circle again. SpongeBob: I did it, Squidward. [draws a crooked circle] Squidward: Huh? But, but, what about the head...and the erasing, and the, the... SpongeBob: I don't know, Squidward. That stuff's not in the book. Squidward: Uhh... [crumples paper] How about this, huh? Remember? SpongeBob: That's not in the book, either. Squidward: Forget about the book. [rips book] Ha! Look at all this mess SpongeBob. What do all these little pieces of paper make you want to do. SpongeBob: Wait, I know this. Oh, wait, I think I got it. [puts book back together] Ta-da! [Squidward's nose melts off his face] Squidward: Ok, SpongeBob. Let's just move onto the marble. SpongeBob: First, an artist must concentrate and visualize his concept. Squidward: Now you've got it. SpongeBob: I've gotta embrace the marble! Squidward: Right. SpongeBob: I've gotta sniff the marble! Squidward: Well, uh, ok. SpongeBob: I've gotta lick the marble! Squidward: Uhh... SpongeBob: [washes the marble in a washing machine] I've gotta wash the marble! I've gotta date the marble! [expands himself so that he's the same size as the marble] I've gotta be the marble! I've got it! I have see the sculpture within. Squidward: Here you go, buddy. [hands him sculpting tools] SpongeBob: With this tool, I shall give birth to art. Squidward: Oh, boy. [SpongeBob taps marble with tool and breaks into pieces] SpongeBob: But, one more thing. [puts Squidward's nose on it] There. Now it's art. Well, what do you think, Squidward? Just take it all in for a moment. Let it soak in. [Squidward gets crazy, runs though the marble and kicks two marbles, eating a part of the marble, he takes paint, squeezes it, kicks a picture, destroy the marble into 4 pieces and destroy the other marbles] It looks like the excitement of my artistic triumph is too much for Squidward. Oh, well, back to the dump. [runs through the wall and down the road] To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump dump. To the dump, to the dump, To the dump, dump dump. Monty: I'm here for the...what the? Who is responsible for this? Squidward: As of now, it's his responsibility. [puts hat on janitor's head] Good day to you, sir. [it is revealed that when Squidward smashed all of the marble together, he created an even better sculpture than the first one and left without even seeing it] Monty: [to janitor] You, sir, are the greatest artist who ever lived!