Schaffer The Darklord - The Rhyme of Lord Nordak lyrics

Once upon a time before dinosaurs comes a true story, The part of the planet that's now known as Norway, A peace-loving giant, well known in the region, They called him Lord Nordak, the twelve foot Norwegian. Now Lord Nordak had been a warlord back before But the war had made Nordak a warrior no more His strength was victorious in saving the land And a prayer he became in the heart of each man Now Nordak knew that he had been in their plans But he leading people could not understand. So when came the hour, he turned down the power, Marched out to the mountains to lounge and grow flowers Each morning Lord Nordak would rise and go foraging Out in the forest, the place of his origin, A million millenia before dinosaurs It looked kind of like Oregon but more enormous and This is where he grew the food that he could And smoked magical bushes from hollowed redwoods He bathed in the lakes and slept out under stars Kept dragons as pets, his skipped rocks sent to Mars Lord Nordak lived his life in nothing but peace But life down in the valley was different indeed The once unified people had begun bickering Flame on the candle of peace had been flickering And again they all split off into two separate factions And used their difference to send soldiers to action So war's in the land down below once again And d**h befell these children, women and men And the elders from when the people had been one Declared that something urgent had to be done "Send for Lord Nordak, he brought peace before. With his help, we elders shall win the war." So they gathered their sons and their daughters and armed them And sent them find Nordak, off they all sought him, They climbed up the mountain and swam crossed lakes And slaughtered his eight-legged oxen for steaks It took them ten days, so they took some wrong turns But they found Nordak sleeping in fields full of ferns The offspring of elders awoke him and spoke and They told him of how the great peace had been broken And implored that he join them to restore the order They'd be victorious, Nordak did snort at this Plucked a bush from the hill, pipe he did smoke; Extinguished it quickly, exhaled and he spoke "If you keep fighting then no one will win If I help you succeed, it will just start again The victors taste greed and then fight to get more! Nordak wants nothing to do with your war!" But the offspring of elders, shocked by what they heard, Grew angry at Lord Nordak's soft spoken words, So they all drew their swords, held them high in the sky and cried, "Nordak you will join us or you will die!" Now, Nordak is often the gentlest beast But these words did displease, to say the very least, He rose to his feet which then? through the packs And held high above, his immense battle axe! "Nordak will not go, so it is declared!" And the offspring of elders went running off scared But they didn't run far, just off outta sight And waited for Nordak to bed for the night Then they crept out without making a noise And they dusted a bush of his with magic poison And off they did dash and wait 'til next morning And rise they did when they heard Nordak stop snoring And watched as he had his first smoke of the day The bush with the poison Nordak puffed away Immediately, he fell under its spell His muscles all froze, then Lord Nordak fell The offspring of elders all appeared a-cackles And tied up the comatose Nordak in shackles And caged him, they planned to enslave him and take him Out to the front lines where war was raging The elders were pleased as they stroked their long beards And said "Nordak's on our side, we'll shower them in fear" And grinning smugly they sat in their castle While thousands and thousands died down in the battle And all of the leaders of the other tribes Were all in their castles watching from inside And sipped wine from the hollowed out skulls of their soldiers Greed grew much stronger, blood grew much colder Well, far out beyond their moats, out in the battlefield Bodies of men and the shrapnel of shattered steel Littered the land, and the blood soaked the ground Arrows went whizzing past, soldiers went down Rats ate from bodies that they filled with holes Men were beheaded, impaled upon poles One thing the elders agreed was this war Was far more horrible than the one long before But they knew they would win it on this very night As they signaled to send Nordak out to the fight The soldiers rolled out the cage in which they kept him And laughed as they planned to deploy this new weapon They sprinkled some anti-magic dust inside Then unlocked his chains and all stepped aside And Nordak awoke and he stood and he stretched A bit dizzy, he still felt the poison's effects All of the soldiers froze still in their places As fear and befuddlement shone on their faces They stared up at Nordak afraid and confused They saw as he came to he wasn't amused Nevertheless they attacked all a-holler And Nordak in-facing just frowned down on all of them Felt as their arrows broke off at his knees, Lord Nordak stormed back to the trees The soldiers kept fighting Thought Nordak was hiding In fact, what he was doing was just deciding To finally put an end to all this war And he crept to the outskirts as it began pouring Then found out each castle where each leader slept And into each palace he quietly crept He captured each leader before they could run Plucked off their heads, every last one The elders, the offspring of elders were gone Then Nordak rushed out as the war carried on He ran from each village, and into each home And gathered the families, the sick, the alone The kids, the elderly, and all their animals Rushed them all past the soldiers and their battle skulls Up to the mountain, his peaceful oasis And wept as he saw the joy wash on their faces He offered them blankets and bread, soup and wine, Mixed medicines to help the injured feel fine And they watched down below the last hours of k**ing Just a war with no leaders or purpose, so silly All went to sleep and arose in the dawn And the smoke below that all once there gone They bowed and then vowed to never be so reckless And Nordak awoke and said, "let's make big breakfast" They cooked and they ate and they drank and they sung And smoked from the bushes when they all were done And they all lived in peace for the rest of their days Living their lives in the finest of ways In the earth's core, Nordak buried his hatchets, see Which is why to this day Earth still has gravity Then came the comets, and then dinosaurs And then more comets and then us and then more wars The end