Peter Gould - Uno Script lyrics

INT. CINNABON - BLACK AND WHITE Cinnabons are being cut up and cooked by Cinnabon workers. Close up on a sign reading Omaha. The customers are handed their Cinnabons, then we cut to the manager of the place, Gene. The camera pans up to his balding head, then down to reveal this is Saul Goodman with a moustache and thick spectacles. He performs various tasks around the kitchen, then looks up over the counter to see a burly man staring him down. The man walks to the counter, gets a good look at Saul, and then walks out to meet a group of friends. EXT. SAUL GOODMAN'S APARTMENT - BLACK AND WHITE Snow falls outside the apartment as a plow drives by INT. SAUL GOODMAN'S APARTMENT - BLACK AND WHITE Saul puts two ice cubes in a gla** then fills it with a concoction of alcohol. He sits down on the couch and watches TV. He flips between channels, the weatherman tells him Omaha's going to get hit with snow which causes him to go to his window and check on the snow. He goes into his cabinet and grabs a box filled with Polaroid photos and a pa**port and grabs a tape that he puts into the VCR. TV SAUL (O.S.): Don't let false accusations bully you into an unfair fight! I'm Saul Goodman and I'll do the fighting for you! No charge is too big for me. When legal forces have you cornered, better call Saul! Close up on modern day Saul looking miserable. TV SAUL (O.S.): I'll get your case dismissed! I'll give you the defense you deserve! Why? Because I'm Saul Goodman, attorney at law. I investigate, advocate, persuade, and most importantly, win! Better call Saul! Camera slowly zooms in on modern day Saul holding back tears. TV SAUL (O.S.): Do you feel doomed? Have opponents of freedom wrongly intimidated you? Maybe they told you that you're in serious trouble and there's nothing you can do about it. I'm Saul Goodman, and I'm here to tell you that they're wrong! It's never too late for justice. Better call… END COLD OPEN INT. NEW MEXICO COURTROOM Close up on the judge. Shots around the courtroom. Three defendants sit next to an empty chair. The prosecutor doodles a man wielding a sword on horseback in his notebook. The judge looks at his watch then gives the security guard a look. The guard gets up and walks out of the courtroom. INT. COURTROOM BATHROOM Close up of the urinals with the shadow of a man on the wall. SAUL (O.S.): Think about it. Their brain...it's not all there yet. Now if we were all held responsible for what we did when we were 19… (laughs). I remember what it was like being a kid. Think back to when you were 19. (more nervous laughter and hand motions) So judge, what do you say? Security guard opens door and sees Saul talking to the urinal. SAUL: These boys are 19. These three young men… SECURITY GUARD: Psst. INT. COURTROOM Saul bursts through the door full of energy. SAUL: Oh to be 19 again! You with me ladies and gentleman, do you remember 19? Let me tell ya, the juices are flowing, the red corpuscles are corpuscle-ing, the gra** is green and soft, and summer's gonna last forever. Now do you remember? Yeah you do. Saul points at a middle-aged lady in the jury. SAUL: But if you're being honest, I mean, really honest, you'll recall that you also had an underdeveloped 19 year old brain. Me personally, if I were held accountable for some of the stupid decisions I made when I was 19, oh boy, wow. And I bet if I were in church right now I'd get a big amen! Silence SAUL: Which brings us to these three. Now these three knuckleheads, and I'm sorry boys but that's what you are, they did a dumb thing. I'm not denying that. However I would like you to remember two salient facts. Fact 1: nobody got hurt! Not a soul! Very important to keep that in mind. Fact 2: now the prosecution keeps dangling this term “criminal trespa**”. Mr. Spinazo, property owner, admitted to us that he keeps most portions of his business open to the public - both day and night. So trespa**ing? Bit of a reach, don't you think Dave? Close up on the prosecutor not looking amused. SAUL: Here's what I know. These three young men, near honor students, were feeling their oats one Saturday night and they just went a little bananas. I don't know, call me crazy, but I don't think they deserve to have their bright futures ruined by a momentary, minute (points at the three boys) never to be repeated, lapse of judgement. Ladies and gentleman...you're bigger than that. Saul takes his seat next to the three boys who seem impressed with his defense. The prosecutor gets up without saying a word and puts a tape into the VCR on the courtroom's TV. The screen shows the three boys cutting the head off of a dead body being used for a biology cla** as they brag about it and laugh into the camera. Members of the court begin walking out. BOY 1: Stick your wang in the throat hole! BOY 2: I will if you will, loser! EXT. COURTROOM Close-up on a check written out to James M. McGill for $700 SAUL: What the hell kind of math is that? LADY: $700 per defense. SAUL: No no no. Defen—dant. Dant. 3 defendants, $2,100. Which, by the way, a bargain for what I did for them. LADY: They going to jail, ain't they? SAUL: So, since when does that matter? They had s** with a head! LADY: Didn't somebody tell you not to try all three of them together? 1 trial, $700! SAUL: You're gonna miss me, you are gonna miss me, cause it'll be a cold day in hell before I do any PD work for this sh**ty court! Sayonara, baby! LADY: You have yourself a nice day. EXT. PARKING LOT Saul storms by a white Cadillac to get into a beaten down yellow Suzuki Esteem with one red door. His phone rings. SAUL (speaking as an Irish woman): Law offices of James McGill, how may I direct your call?...Yes, Mrs. Kettleman, so good of you to return!...Actually I don't have Mr. McGill at the moment, but I know he...Oh, splendid. Unfortunately our office is being painted, and the fumes are quite horrid, could he meet you and your husband at, say, Loyola's café at Central?...4 o'clock it shall be, cheers! Saul checks his watch, gets into the car, then starts his car and sputters away. He hands his ticket to the man working the toll booth. MIKE: Three dollars. SAUL: Uh, I'm validated, see the stickers. MIKE: Well, I see five stickers, you're one shy. Three dollars. SAUL: They gave me, look, I'm validated for the entire day, ok? Five stickers, six stickers, I don't know stickers because I was in that court back there, saving people's lives, so… MIKE: Well, gee, that's swell. And thank you for restoring my faith in the judicial system. Now you either pay the three dollars, or you go back inside and get an additional sticker. Mike hands the ticket back. SAUL: Son of a b**h… Fine! You win! Hooray for you! (to car behind him) Backing up, I'm backing up, I need more stickers! I don't have enough stickers! Thank you, thank you, very nice! Employee of the month over here! (claps) Hooray, give him a medal! (to cops) don't do anything guys, just relax. INT. LOYOLA'S CAFÉ BETSY KETTLEMAN: Well, I'm just fuzzy as to why you think he needs a lawyer. I mean, Craig, the way you run your office is beyond reproach. CRAIG KETTLEMAN: Beyond reproach. I'm a stickler. BETSY: Yes, he's a stickler with the money, he's definitely a stickler. I mean he's certainly not guilty of some… SAUL: Certainly not. He's innocent of any wrongdoing. It's abundantly clear to me, and frankly, I don't go looking for guilty people to represent. I mean, who needs that aggravation, right? Mr. and Mrs. Kettleman chuckle. SAUL: Look, all I know is what I read in the paper. Typically, when money goes missing from accounting treasury, and the number is, uh, $1.6 million… BETSY: Well that's an accounting...discrepancy. SAUL: Discrepancy, absolutely. But typically, when that happens, the police look at the treasurer. And since that person is, uh (gestures at Craig). I just think a little proactivity may be in order here. CRAIG: I just think I'd look guilty if I hired a lawyer. SAUL: Actually, it's getting arrested that makes people look guilty, even the innocent ones. And innocent people get arrested everyday. And they find themselves in a little room with a detective who acts like he's their best friend. “Talk to me” he says. “Help me clear this up”. “You don't need a lawyer, only guilty people need lawyers”, and BOOM! That's when it all goes south. That's when you want someone in your corner, someone who will fight tooth and nail. Lawyers. We're like health insurance. You hope you never need it, but man, oh, man, not having it? No! CRAIG: How would we proceed if we decided to um… SAUL: Well this is a letter of engagement. It's very simple. Straightforward. Please read it closely, but, uh, if you sign it I can get started on that defense strategy of ours this very afternoon. Close up of Craig's hand hovering with the pen above the contract. He looks ready to sign before his wife takes his hand BETSY: Craig, I think maybe we should sleep on it. CRAIG: Uh, sure. Don't you think, Mr. McGill? SAUL: Oh please, call me Jimmy. Absolutely, I mean there's no rush. CRAIG: Oh, and you know, Craig, we gotta pick up the kids. BETSY: At the… CRAIG: Oh...right. Well we will be in touch. Thank you for the coffee and for the advice. They shake hands. SAUL: You're very welcome. Here, take this, it's got my phone number on it. Saul hands Craig a personalized matchbook. BETSY: Ok. INT. SAUL'S CAR SAUL (on the phone): The number is 9456-0054-4896-0643. And the expiration is 11/04. OK, and the key word here is cla**y, alright? Shoot for cla**y. Use only flowers that look expensive. But, you know, aren't. And the note should say “Dear Betsy and Craig, best wishes from your stickler for justice. -James McGill”. OK, and McGill's spelt M-C… Well run it again. Well no, no, no, it's paid up, run it again. A skater goes crashing into Saul's car breaking the windshield. Saul pulls over and hyperventilates. LARS: Oh god, oh god, Cal! Look at me, look at me! (to Saul) what did you do?! SAUL: I didn't do anything… LARS: What did you do to my brother?! Look where you're going! SAUL: I was making a turn, he came out of nowhere! LARS: You freaking hit him man! You ran him over! You ran over my brother! I got the whole thing on video! CAL: It was an accident, it was an accident. He didn't mean to. He tries to get up and screams, grabbing his leg. LARS: It's broken! You broke his leg! You're driving around and not looking? Breaking people's legs? Somebody call the cops! SAUL: Don't call the police, don't call the police! Cut to landscapers looking on from the distance. LARS: Policía! I'm doing it myself! Starts dialing. SAUL (desperate): Don't call the police, don't call the police! LARS: Don't call the cops? SAUL: No! LARS: How are you gonna fix this? What are you gonna do to make things right? SAUL: I don't know, fellas. What can I do to make it right? The two skaters exchange a look. CAL: I don't know. $500? SAUL: 500 bucks? Saul starts kicking the skater he hit. CAL: Ow, what the hell man?! SAUL: Listen, Starlight Express, I'm gonna give you a 9.6 for technique, 0.0 for choice of victim! I'm a lawyer! Furthermore (points at his car) does this steaming pile of crap scream payday to you, huh? The only way that entire car is worth $500 is if there's a $300 hooker sitting in it! Now let's talk about what you owe me for the windshield. The two skaters look at each other then run away. SAUL: I'll take a check! INT. NAIL SALON SAUL: Chao chi c'ung ladies, Chao chi c'ung. Chao chi c'ung Mrs. Nguynen, you look… My mail? NAIL SALON OWNER: You work for people who have s** with chopped off head? SAUL: Was it in the paper? OWNER: I heard it from my cousin. Why? Why you work for these people? SAUL: Just lucky, I guess. Saul grabs a cup and goes to fill it up. OWNER: Cucumber water for customer only. Saul puts the cup down and head to the back room. Next to the washing machine is a door with a taped on sign reading “James M. McGill Esq. A Law Corporation" INT. SAUL'S OFFICE Saul's desk is right next to the hot water heater. There's only enough room for his desk and one folding chair. He checks his phone and finds that he has no new messages. He sifts through his mail - all bills except for an envelope from Hamlin Hamlin & McGill with a check for $26,000 enclosed. Saul rips it into pieces INT. LAW OFFICES OF HAMLIN HAMLIN McGILL Saul is waiting for an elevator. Camera cuts to a dented trash can. Saul goes up the elevator and heads to the secretary's desk SAUL: Brenda, looking good. Nice ‘do. Uh, where's Lord Vader? BRENDA: He's not quite ready for you yet. SAUL: South conference room. BRENDA: How about you wait out here? SAUL: How about I don't! Sees another lawyer as he heads towards the conference room. SAUL: Sir Francis! FRANCIS: James. SAUL: Well groomed as always. FRANCIS: Ok. Saul heads up the stairs pa**ing former co-workers as he goes. SAUL: Keith, Karen, yes! INT. SOUTH CONFERENCE ROOM SAUL: YOU HAVE MEDDLED WITH THE PRIMAL FORCES OF NATURE, MR. HAMLIN, AND I WON'T HAVE IT! BRENDA (over speakerphone): Do you want me to call security? KIM WEXLER: It's ok, Brenda, we got it. SAUL (O.S.) Hey Jack, hey Nate, hey Erin. HOWARD HAMLIN: What can we do for you, Jimmy? SAUL: I'm sorry, this table (knocks on it). Something just come over me. Sprinkles the shredded up check onto the table. SAUL: You can tell me what this $26,000's supposed to be for. HOWARD: That's money for Chuck. Isn't that what you wanted? SAUL: A measly 26 grand? Jesus you're like Peter Minuit with the Indians, throw in some beads and shells while you're at it. HOWARD: It's just a start, they'll be more. Unless you're just gonna tear them all up. SAUL: And why was it made out to me, why not Chuck? HOWARD: Can he make his way to the bank? Silence HOWARD: I just a**umed it was best to have the money go through you. We can do it any way you want. SAUL: This isn't going away, Howard. What Chuck did for this firm, and damn near singlehandedly, one-third of this place belongs to him. What do you got 12 chairs here? 4 of these chairs are Chuck's. You got 5 of these light thingamajigs? Uh, 1 and ⅔ are Chuck's! How many danishes, six danishes? HOWARD: You can have all the danishes you want Jimmy. SAUL: No no! They're Chuck's danishes! And he isn't greedy so he'll just take two...plus $17 million dollars. In that ballpark. I mean we'll know once we get the accountants poking around here. Until then no penny ante checks trying to make it look like Chuck still works here, he doesn't. He never will again. It's time to do right by him and cash him out. HOWARD: So these are Chuck's own wishes that you're conveying? SAUL: This is what's best for him. HOWARD: So he personally told you that it's his wish to withdraw from the firm? Saul says nothing. HOWARD: See, that would surprise me. SAUL: It's been nearly a year since he stepped foot in here. I'm just doing what's in his best interest. HOWARD: So am I. And I, for one, believe he's gonna lick this thing. Until then, his office is just how he left it. His secretary's still on payroll. If Chuck can call this an extended sabbatical then so can we! He's that important to us. SAUL: You know what? Let's let a jury figure it out. They're gonna love you, Howard. You're so down to earth! And relatable! Saul walks to the other head of the table. SAUL: AND YOU WILL ATONE! No reaction SAUL: It's Ned Beatty. Network. For Christ's sakes, guys. Saul walks out of the conference room, Howard follows him. HOWARD: Jimmy! I almost forgot. This month's filings. You could save me the postage. SAUL: Weren't you listening in there? Chuck doesn't work here anymore. You think I'm gonna help you establish a paper trail? HOWARD: Jimmy… SAUL: No, stop trying to pawn that sh** off on him. HOWARD: Jimmy...You know, Jimmy, sometimes in our line of work you can get so caught up in the idea of winning that you forget to listen to your heart. Give Chuck my love. Would ya? Howard starts to walk away. HOWARD (O.S.): Oh! There ya are! Betsy! Craig! Saul looks to the bottom of the stairs and sees the Kettlemans talking to Howard. Saul takes the elevator down then starts kicking the already dented trash can. He walks out the door and stands next to a woman against the wall who's smoking a cigarette. Her face is hidden in the shadows. SAUL: Couldn't you just… KIM: You know I can't. EXT. CHUCK'S HOUSE Saul pulls out front and checks Chuck's mail for him. He puts his watch, car keys, and phone inside the mailbox. INT. CHUCK'S HOUSE SAUL: Son of a b**h! CHUCK: You ground yourself? SAUL: Yes, I grounded myself! Chuck lights an oil lantern. We see his house is completely devoid of electricity. He puts a grocery bag into a cooler. INT. CHUCK'S LIVING ROOM Chuck is typing into a typewriter. SAUL: You gotta stop putting bacon on the list, that cooler's looking like a trichinosis stew. CHUCK: Perfect timing. He hands Saul a page from his typewriter SAUL: Professor Brands Vogelson? University of Helsinki? CHUCK: Yeah, you're gonna have to get that translated. SAUL: Into Swedish? CHUCK: Finnish. SAUL: Finnish translating… CHUCK: I'm sure there's someone at UNM who can do that. SAUL: You do know I'm trying to start a legal practice right? CHUCK: Vogelson's been working on the effects of electromagnetic fields on zebra fish, and oh! Pulls out a newspaper CHUCK: Financial Times! SAUL: Yeah, I knew you missed it, so I figured, "what the heck?" CHUCK: I know it's expensive so, here. Hands him a can full of money SAUL: That's not… it's alright. CHUCK: I don't expect you to go out of pocket. Go ahead, reimburse yourself. Saul takes money from the can SAUL: Thanks. Chuck starts reading the Financial Times. SAUL: Hey, Chuck, um, can you not read that for a second? Can we talk? Chuck puts down the paper and holds a lantern to Saul's face. CHUCK: Are you all right? You look peaked. SAUL: I'm fine, please just sit. CHUCK (sitting down): You're not in trouble? SAUL: Um, you gotta cash out. You gotta. Chuck shakes his head. CHUCK: Again, really? SAUL: There's no other way. I know you don't wanna hear it, but you got to. CHUCK: You know I'm gonna beat this. You know I'm going to get better. SAUL (hesitant): Yeah, sure! CHUCK: Well then there's nothing more to talk about! I will beat this. Ergo, a falsis principiis proficisci. Meaning? (gestures to Saul) SAUL: That's the one about false principles, but it's not… CHUCK: You proceed from false principles. Your argument is built on quicksand, therefore it collapses. They move from Chuck's desk to the couch. SAUL: You're not listening. CHUCK: Fine. Let's take this to its logical conclusion. In order to pay out my share, suppose the partners are forced to liquidate the firm? Then what? SAUL: That's their problem. CHUCK: My clients are out in the cold! My cases are scattered to the winds, and 126 people lose their jobs. What happens to your cronies in the mail room? The a**istants, paralegals, the janitors? All of them, out on the street. Your friend Kim. A promising career over and done with. SAUL: Hamlin owes you everything. You built that place single-handedly while he was out at four hills working on his bunker shot. CHUCK: Let's not exaggerate. I helped. SAUL: You helped. CHUCK: All the more reason not to tear it down just for a little bit of cash. SAUL: Look Chuck, I'm going under, okay? For the third time with these bull-crap contract counsel - CHUCK: Bull crap? SAUL: Bull-crap, pissant P.D. cases at 700 bucks a shot. CHUCK: Public-defender work is some of the best experience there is. SAUL: I just had a case, Chuck, with three clients Uh, arraignments, voir dire, jury trial, the whole nine yards. You know what I took home? 700 bucks. Yeah, I might as well head down to skid row and sell plasma. CHUCK: You're representing people who have nowhere else to turn. The money is beside the point. SAUL: Money is not beside the point. Money is the point! CHUCK: I keep telling you Have patience. There are no shortcuts. Do good work, and the clients will come. SAUL: “The clients will come”. Yeah, I know. OK. Hand to God, I wasn't gonna say this, but you are broke. I can't carry both of us, I've been trying like hell but I can't. CHUCK: Well, you're saying what? You think you have to provide for me? I never asked you that. SAUL: You didn't have to ask, okay? I've been doing my damnedest, but the day of reckoning is here. Soon, Chuck, you're gonna be out on the street with all the electromagnetism in the world raining down on you. Now, please, please, picture that, then tell me that money is beside the point. CHUCK: This is what has you all worked up? SAUL: Yeah! CHUCK: Jimmy. Chuck stands up. CHUCK: There's nothing to worry about. Here. Chuck hands Saul a check. SAUL: What is this? CHUCK: A stipend. There's gonna be one every week. SAUL: $857 from Hamlin Hamlin McGill. CHUCK: I'm gonna pay them back. Every penny. I didn't want to take anything, but Howard was very insistent. And I'm gonna pay you back, too. SAUL: Wait, Hamlin was here? CHUCK: It's not like I'm a recluse. SAUL: What, he put his cellphone in the mailbox? CHUCK: He understands the situation. SAUL: He grounded himself? CHUCK: Of course! SAUL: And the two of you agreed that since, as everybody knows, you're going back to work any day now, that the firm should help you make ends meet. CHUCK: That's correct, minus the sarcasm. SAUL: Hamlin's making you a chump! CHUCK: I'm going to get better! I'm gonna go back to work, and I'm picking up where I left off! (beat) SAUL: Sorry. Sorry Chuck. CHUCK: I understand that you're trying to look out for me, but you're missing the bigger picture. SAUL: I got it. CHUCK: Speaking of which Howard brought this. He's concerned. Close up of the James M. McGill matchbook SAUL: What? CHUCK: You have to admit It could be confusing Hamlin, Hamlin, Mcgill? James M. McGill? SAUL: That's my name, I was born with it. I… CHUCK: Still. How about Vanguard law? Or Gibraltar legal? SAUL: Wait, wait. So I'm not supposed to use my name on Hamlin's say-so? What's he gonna do, sue me? CHUCK: Nobody wants to create an adversarial situation. I'm sure Howard would gladly pay the cost of new matchbooks and so on. It's simply a matter of professional courtesy. SAUL: Chuck, whose side are you on? CHUCK: There are no sides. But, Jimmy. Wouldn't you rather build your own identity? Why ride on someone else's coattails? EXT. CHUCK'S HOUSE Saul grabs his keys, phone, and watch from the mailbox and gets in the car SAUL (looking at matchbook): You wanna dance, Howard? Let's dance. EXT. SKATING PARK Lars is recording Cal skate SAUL: Hey fellas. We got business. LARS: How did you find us? SAUL: I know, eerie right? Cal and Lars start to walk away SAUL: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. Give me thirty seconds. Could be the most profitable thirty seconds of your lives. Cal and Lars share a look and decide to stay. SAUL: Let me tell you about a young guy. Actually, he's about your age. He lived a long way from here in a town called Cicero, Illinois. And in Cicero, he was the man. I mean, when he strolled down the street, all the corner boys would give him the high five. All the finest babes would smile at him and hope that he would smile back. They called him "slippin' Jimmy," and everybody wanted to be his friend. LARS: “Slippin' Jimmy”? What the hell kind of a name is that? SAUL: Well, I'll tell you, now Winters in Cicero are murder. You guys growing up out here in the golden west. You don't know, okay? I'm talking cold that'll freeze the snot right in your nose. I'm talking wind that'll cut through your jacket and carve you up like a Ginsu knife. In fact, most folks in Cicero were scared of winter, but not Jimmy. Jimmy waited around all summer, and when September finally rolled around and he'd feel that first cold wind come sweeping off Lake Michigan, he knew it was coming. Was it Christmas? Was it Kwanzaa? Better. It was slip 'n fall season. Soon as it was cold enough, he'd find a nice, smooth patch of ice. State Street was good. Michigan Avenue was better. He'd pick his spot, wait for it to get busy, then he'd walk out on the ice, and boom! He would biff it so hard, people would come running from five blocks away. LARS: Yeah, but did he collect? SAUL: "Did he collect?" Slippin' Jimmy had it dialed in, all right? One good fall He'd clear 6, 8 grand. That'd keep him in old Milwaukee and Maui Wowie right through labor day. Now, see, I look at you guys, I see potential. The skateboard's a nice wrinkle. That makes it a year-round gig. And clearly, you know how to take a header, right? But I got to ask you. Your best day ever, how much did you clear? CAL & LARS: $630 SAUL (scoffing): 630 bucks. Was that for one fall? LARS: Two. SAUL: Two falls in one day? Even at your age that's gotta hurt. CAL: True that. SAUL: Well I got a job for ya. How's 2 grand sound? LARS: 2 grand for one hit. SAUL: One hit. Plus you get to learn from the best. INT. SAUL'S CAR Saul is parked outside Betsy and Craig's house. LARS: Nice boat. SAUL: Yeah, discreet. Like a stripper pole in a mosque. Forget the boat. Look at the car. You know what that is? CAL: I don't know, a station wagon? SAUL: It's a Mercury, a 1988 Mercury sable wagon. Remember it. Burn it into your brains. You got it? LARS: It's a Mercury sable wagon, sure. SAUL: Close your eyes, what color is it? CAL & LARS: Brown. SAUL: No, it's medium sandalwood. Keep your eyes closed. How does the license plate start? CAL & LARS: 4. SAUL: Give those gentleman a gold star. EXT. STREET CORNER SAUL: Betsy Kettleman's her name. Every weekday between 2:25 and 2:50, she comes through here on her way to pick up her kids at Kit Carson Elementary. Now, you need a place where she's gonna slow down, am I right? LARS: Yeah. SAUL: Alright, well there you go. She slows down. She hangs a right. You come shooting out of there. You do what you did to me. You go a** over teakettle. You make it a blue-ribbon special. When she gets out of the car, you're sufferin' St. Sebastian, right? You're the hammer, okay? You get in her face. You scare the bejesus out of her. Give me your phone. Lars hands him his phone CAL: It's kinda busy here, don't you think? SAUL: Well, witnesses are good. Witnesses are pressure, all right? Now, once you've got her good and rattled, then you call for an ambulance, but really, you're calling for me. I'm number one on your speed dial, right next to your weed dealer. You call me. I hotfoot it over here. I just "happen" to be driving by. I stop to see what the trouble is, and this is the most important part: You don't know me. We've never met. You got it? LARS: Sure. SAUL: OK. Now, I'm Mrs. K's white knight. We go mano a mano. You light into me, okay? Get nasty. And no touching. Leave the hair alone. But otherwise, you know, open season. Yell. Stomp. Call me a douche bag. I'm gonna play it cool, give you back some of the razzmatazz. And once she's seen the fireworks, you fold like a lawn chair. Happy ending. LARS: When do we get our money? SAUL: After. LARS: After. SAUL: After. You get paid when I get paid. I'm the rising tide that raises all dinghies. Now, pop quiz What's the car? CAL: Mercury sable wagon. LARS: Baby poop brown. SAUL: OK, do you know me? CAL & LARS: No. SAUL: Damn straight, go with God. INT. SAUL'S CAR Saul is parked outside of the Kettleman's house. SAUL (rehearsing to himself): Well, I'm just glad I happened to be pa**ing by. Happy to be of help, Betsy. May I call you Betsy? Please, call me James. Oh, the kid will be fine. Don't worry. He just got his bell rung a little. I'll handle that. Oh, no. Oh, no, no. I wouldn't think of, uh, taking your money for this. Betsy gets into her car. SAUL: The embezzlement case? Mm, yes, I'd I'd be happy to talk it over. Betsy backs out of the driveway. SAUL (ducking down): Oh sh**! (calls Lars) two minute warning, two minute warning! EXT. STREET CORNER LARS: Got it. Lars gets the camera ready and Cal gets ready to be hit. A light brown Ford Taurus takes a turn and Cal skates in front of it. LARS: Oh my God, Cal! Look at me, buddy! Are you ok? Say something! No one gets out of the car. LARS: Come on already. CAL: What is she doing in there, making a sandwich? Where's her sense of responsibility? The car speeds away. LARS: Hey! What the f- INT. SAUL'S CAR SAUL (to himself): Funny to run into you, Betsy. I was just, uh, strolling the neighborhood. You were in accident. Oh it's… (checks watch) Come on. Phone rings SAUL: Yeah? LARS: She took off on us? SAUL: She what? LARS: It was textbook, man, we were diamonds. But then she just took off. SAUL: OK, wait, she hit and run? LARS: That's what I'm saying, she bailed and wailed. SAUL: OK, just stay where you are, I'll come get you. LARS: Nah, screw that man, we're following her. SAUL: Following her? How? EXT. STREET - DAY LARS: We got our ways, yo. Camera cuts to Cal and Lars on their skateboards, holding on to the back of a truck. SAUL (over phone): OK, new plan, new plan, you do know me, I'm your lawyer, you got that? I'll meet you at the school. LARS: She's way past the school. She hooked a left on Juan Tabo, and she's coming into Holiday Park. SAUL: Okay, stay with her. When she gets where she's going, wherever that is, just don't do anything. Wait for me. LARS: Wait for what? You haven't been right even once! Slippin' Jimmy, my a**! SAUL: You fell into the honeypot, kid. You get it? Hit-and-run is a felony. LARS: So what? SAUL: “So what?” So more money! Saul hangs up and tries to start his car. LARS (to Cal): He says we fell in the honeypot. He says more money. CAL: So what do we need him for? INT. SAUL'S CAR Saul is trying to call Lars but only getting voicemail. He hangs up and gets his car to finally start. EXT. SALAMANCA HOUSE The Taurus finally pulls into a driveway. The driver gets out just as Lars and Cal roll through on their skateboards. Cal fakes a leg injury and Lars carries him. The driver is an elderly Hispanic woman. LARS: Hey! Yo! Hold up! CAL: Yeah what is the matter with you? You hit and run? LARS: You ran him over! You felony'd my brother! ABUELA: Que pasa? CAL: Habla ingles! LARS: We call la policía! CAL: La policía is gonna be pissed! LARS: I see you hit him. You see that? That windshield? You did that. ABUELA: No entiendo! LARS: You did that and now you pay. ABUELA: No entiendo, senor. LARS: Make with the dinero. ABUELA: Dinero? LARS: Sí, righteous dinero. ABUELA: Dinero? LARS: Sí. She waves them towards the house. LARS: That's what I'm talking about. ABUELA: Mijo! Mijo! LARS: Is that money? Lars and Cal shuffle into the door. INT. SAUL'S CAR SAUL: C'mon, c'mon, where are you? (sighs) Holiday Park. (rehearsing) Mrs. Kettleman, Betsy, what are you doing here? Hit and run? That's very serious. I can mediate, I represent their parents. EXT. SALAMANCA HOUSE Saul parks out front, sees the cracked windshield, runs to the front door and knocks. SAUL: Open up, officer of the court! Open up in the name of the law! The door starts to open SAUL: Good afternoon, this… A gun is stuck in Saul's face, a hand pulls him inside the house. TUCO SALAMANCA checks that no one was looking then closes the door. END