Detelj - DETELJ: Chapter One lyrics

This is my story. From here until I am gone, nothing but. So please take a second to hear me out and feel this when I say it, “hello.” This is as real as I will ever be. I started somewhere between my mother's leaving me at a gas station with my 3 YO sister and the lines cut on the Kimber's a** from Niptuck. Somewhere between the man behind the counter and his eyes wide and the cop who bought us ice cream and called me a hero. I said “all I wanted to do was go home” and Danny came to pick us up after the cop made a call. I remember the silence in the car that day even through the thick of the anger one man's can spew while tears run down and over pores. When I arrived, I watched as two cops entered our house before me. When I went inside I watched the smoke dance underneath the yellows of a sh**ty kitchen light. We'd come so f**ing far to get here. Her mascara dripped down her face and her mouth remained slightly cracked. She stared and muttered violent things between a drunken smiles in which she'd thrown at the cops to her left and right. Topless, with a bra on she sat there smoking a grit, trying to explain why she had left us. Sometimes I look back at this and feel sorry for Danny. He didn't ask for any of this. The following summer, my best friend beat my a**. I couldn't throw punches at him once we got to the spot. I dropped the board I planned on whipping across his skull and he took the rings of his knuckles and gave a six inch blade to one of the onlookers. There were seven of them and two of us; Toby and I verses them. I told them this was a mistake while my left cheek ate a punch and Toby jumped in to square off, taking three gorilla-like haymakers until he was knocked onto the ground. Tar Tar was big, probably the biggest kid at IAR besides big beefy. I clocked him in the jaw once before he tackled me and latex his legs on my arms, throwing three punches to my skull before looking at me and stopping, muttering this is dumb then got up and walked away. Reflecting on those punches, you know when a strangers always has been one but you know more that you've been more a stranger to yourself. I'm a few months into eighth grade now. Mom and Danny said were moving, warning me about how much harder the school system is which is awesome because I just got suspended for putting tracks on my teachers chair and suspended again for telling the substitute I had a knife for her. I should tell her the cops don't f** around and that substitute is a f**ing b**h. I honestly think if she'd just die the world would be better. We'd call probably laugh. Tar Tar and beefy are sitting behind me, I can hear them explain to the girls what happened this summer, laughing. The noises they make shoot like pins and needles into the back of my neck and beads of sweat start to form as my skin becomes warmer, curling my fists, white knuckles tapping the desk. Untouchables has kept me sane the past few days, my basement has kept me company. Walking halls with Jon Davis crooning into my headphones. Time slows and everybody's face distorts. “ALL YOUR FACES I CAN SEE…NEVER DONE, NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU PUT ME THROUGH.” I watched my feet drag and the Marc Ecko hoodie ripple in space. My back pack is heavier but it can be heavier, all I need are more reasons. We're settled in the house now, bout four days ago. Everyone at IAR was a sh** friend besides Kyle. Toby disappeared a few months ago. The kids there started calling me Larry. I really don't like Justin and Don. They're a**holes. Just choked out DJ at the lockers. I was standing there, putting my bags in and grabbing books when he came around the corner talking sh** and hitting things. I stared straight as he started sh** with people beside me and when I looked up we made eye contact. He spit and called me a f*ggot. Then asked what I was looking at stepping towards me and pushing against me. I don't really know why or what happened but I wrapped my hands around his throat and smacked his head against the lockers and squeezed. He reached for my face but his eyes were bulging already and face turning purple. I could feel my thumbs pressed against his Adam's apple. His eyes started to turn gla**y and water began to build upon his lower eyelids. He tried to speak while I pressed harder but only gurgled. I smacked his head again then let him go and he stood there staring at me, lips quivering, before moving to the side and walking away. I've never felt so good as I do right now. Duff stood at his locker next to mine and said something like, “good sh**.” He's the other new kid, but I think he's had better luck. And then there is Steven. I call him Steve. He flips out a lot in cla** and talks bout beating people up. I can tell he's scared though. He's not scared like I am. He's not scared of himself. I went to band practice today and nothing really got done. I don't really know why we even do this, but it's the only thing I like to do. Jared went upstairs halfway through and Kyle wouldn't stop playing the same Nirvana song. I sat on the stool and wrote. f** I left it there. Moms not home yet. Danny went out looking for her and Dakota and I are here. He cooked dinner but this is the third time in a row this week. She comes back and all they f**ing do is scream. She is going to k** someone or herself. How the f** does she have the nerve to even yell at me? To even f**ing yell at ME. f** you! f** everything about this place! This house! “Thumbing through the pages of my fantasies…I wanna see you try to take a swing at me” “You can try to tear me down. Beat me to the ground. I will you see you screaming.” “All my friends are gone. They died.” Ed Gein should come back to life. If I could make you come back to life – if bring you to school. My sister is crying. Mom just burst through the door and f**ing smashed the gla**es off the counter, I grabbed her and pushed her against the wall. They don't even know. You don't even f**ing know what the f** happened to me and I have to take care of your dumb f**ing a**. I hate every single piece of flesh I have to look at every day and I get to come home and be reminded of failure. This house is broken. Alex Andrew Ethan Nick DJ Christina Justin Don Rheannon Emily Julia Mr. Casario Mr. Casario first, then the first person I see. “All this time I've been waiting.” Honestly cannot take anymore. I remember a time when we were in Florida, I remember the Dolphin inn. Walking down to the beach, the parties and islands. I remember color but there isn't any here anymore, dad…I remember you the day you died. So did I. “I'm thinking of making all the f**ed people, making the b**hes I love, make them die and go away.” Something happened today. I realize how small I am now. How little impact I have like this. I stepped out of my body, the suction of something placed me at the weight machines, looking through the doorway to see myself. I stood on the wrestling mats, laughing at a couple of jokes from son and Justin, they were telling before they focused on me. Don began ripping on me, talking about the shirt I was wearing – a family member bought me this past Christmas. It was yellow with a gecko on a skateboard, cut to the sleeves the red sleeves started to reach my hands. I don't why but this was…f**ing funny. To everybody. To Nick, Z, Hannah; everyone. I watched myself stand there as everyone laughed, Don continuing with the ridicule while he pointed and the others kids hit shoulders and chuckled with his picking myself apart, Justin was behind me crouching. He swooped low and I can feel my fists clench as I watched myself become even more dehumanized when he grabbed my gym shorts and pulled them. They fell, boxers and all and everyone roared, rearing back, some slapping mats against the wall, girls with hands over their mouths. I stepped forward but everything was slow, everything felt heavy, under water like my steps vibrated my head, shaking my vision. The room began to light up bright white, so intense, I swear I could feel the heat. As I moved closer to my reality, I saw myself pulling my shorts up, dick bouncing with as it became hidden again. The expressions of everyone were that out of an over exaggerated Three Stooges comedy. Girls with their faces cherried and boys wide-eyed or laughing downward. They thought it was hilarious and this is how it looked to me. I cannot wait to show them my f**ing faces. Today I got detention for throwing a book across the room at that piece of sh** Justin. And today I realized how little I matter in this place. How weird and insignificant. So today I gathered my writings. Today I gathered what I've been given. Today I chose what's going to happen and it's your fault. This b**h like Matilda meets Helga. My phone is going to die but tomorrow is the day. I don't have time to explain any more than I have to the “f**ed up” people who are paying attention. But the plan is set, Frank provided the tools and he's been arrested. Tomorrow I make the name shine. I'll watch you fall with the papers, the fluorescent lights shining bright to glare the blood. Tomorrow is my day. You will pay. You will fear. You will find yourself, whether or not it is to matter anymore was up to you. Thank you for pushing me so far. I know there were a couple of you with me in this. I know this matters to you and I did it for you. Tell them that. Tell them life was worth living because I made an impact. Tell my extended family they could have done more. Tell the world it could have done more. Tell them my name. One day, I know one day, someone is going to have the balls to stand up and say this is how I feel. This is who I am and I don't like it. I know one day, someone is going to have the balls to stand up and say this is how I feel. This is who I am and I don't like it. I know one day someone will stand up and prove I was right. Don't ever apologize for who you are, them to apologize for never accepting it. Be the best you can be. This is more than a phase, more than anything most will ever understand I feel you. I know you feel. Teacher leave them kids alone. Pay attention to every more I've made. Feel what you feel, express it. Move on that's how you heal. That's how you learn. That's how you grow. Goodbye.