Dennis Leary - Smoke lyrics

I love to smoke, I smoke seven thousand packs a day, okay? And I am never f**ing quitting I don't care how many laws they make What's the law now? You can only smoke in your apartment Under a blanket, with all the lights out? Is that the rule now, huh? The cops are outside, "We know you have the cigarettes Come out of the house with the cigarettes above your head" "You'll never get me copper! I'm never coming out, you hear? I got a cigarette machine right here in my bedroom, yeah! Say yeah!" Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get one of those tracheotomies So I can smoke two cigarettes at the same time I'm gonna get nine tracheotomies, all the way around my neck I'll be tracheotomie man! "He can smoke a pack at a time! He's tracheotomie man! I'm looking forward to cancer, man, I want that throat cancer That's the best kind, you know why? You get that throat cancer, you get that voice box thing Know what I'm talking about? Sure it's scary, but you can make a lot of money with a voice box Get a voice box, walking around the streets of Manhattan "You got any spare change?" "Ahh! Here's my whole wallet, get away from me!" Imagine a whole family with voice boxes, that'd be creepy, wouldn't it? They'd be out in that backyard everyday during the summer "Dad, can we go to the beach?", "Yes, get your mother and the dog" "We'll leave right now, Sparky, come here" Or the ultimate irony, a guy with a voice box pulling up to the drive Through window at Mcdonald's, that has to s**, huh? "Can I help you?", "Big Mac and a large order of fries" "Stop making fun of me", "I'm not making fun of you" "I'm getting the manager", "Get the f**ing manager, I don't care" I can remember a time in this country When men were proud to get cancer, God dammit! When it was a sign of manhood! John Wayne had cancer twice Second time, they took out one of his lungs, he said, "Take 'em both! 'Cuz I don't f**in' need 'em! I'll grow gills and breathe like a fish!" Babe Ruth, greatest baseball player to ever play the game He had a voice box, he was the first American to have a voice box Yeah!, "This is Babe Ruth The Sultan of Swat, the Bambino" I smoke twenty-five goddamn Black Cuban cigars a day I had meat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner I f**ed eighteen prostitutes a night! 'Course, I'm dead now I'm up here in Heaven, Lou Gehrig is up Here with me God love Lou Gehrig, Jesus Christ, poor Lou Gehrig Died of Lou Gehrig's disease How the Hell did he not see that coming? We used to tell him, Lou, there's a disease With your name all over it, pal! There ain't no Babe Ruth disease, I'll tell you that much right now Have a hot dog and a Hummer, go ahead, it's on me" I don't know, personally, I think Billy Martin said it best when he said "Hey! I can drive!", because we tried to be nice to you non-smokers We f**ing tried, okay? You wanted your own sections in the restaurants, we gave you that But that wasn't enough for you, then you wanted the airplanes We gave you the whole God damn plane! You happy now? You own the f**ing plane! I'd like an explanation about that one folks Because I will guarantee you if the plane is going down The first announcement you're gonna hear is "Folks, this is your Captain speaking, look, uhm, light 'em up 'Cause we're going down, okay, I got a carton of Camels non-filters I'll see you on the ground, take it easy" Actually, it'd be more like this, "This is your Captain speaking" "Smoke 'em if ya got 'em" The filters the best part, that's where they put the h**ne Only us real good smokers know that f**ing secret Yeah, we tried to be nice to you non-smokers But you just f**ing badger us, you know? You won't leave us alone You got all your little speeches you're always giving to us All these little facts that you dig out of a newspaper or pamphlet And you store that little nugget in your little f**ing head And we light up and you spew 'em out at us, don't ya? I love these little facts, these little facts "Well you know, smoking takes ten years off your life" Well it's the ten worst years, isn't it folks? It's the ones at the end! It's the wheelchair, dialysis f**ing years You can have those years! We don't want 'em, alright!? And I guarantee if I'm still alive then I'll be smoking then I'll be in my wheelchair, with my adult diapers on And my twenty-five year old non-smoking born again Christian son behind me I'll be going, "Hey! Make sure you wipe this time I was itching all week for Christ's sake! And get me some more wippets I'm almost out, you f**ing p**y! Come on!" Because you're always telling us "You know, if you quit smoking now Every cigarette takes three minutes off your life If you quit now you can live an extra ten years If you quit now, you can live an extra twenty years" Hey, I got two words for you, okay, Jim Fix, remember Jim Fix? The big famous jogging guy? Jogged fifteen miles a day Did a jogging book, did a jogging video And dropped out of a heart attack when? When he was f**ing jogging, that's when! What do you wanna bet it was two smokers Who found the body the next morning and went "Hey! That's Jim Fix, isn't it?" "Wow, what a f**ing tragedy Come on, lets go buy some buds" It's always the yogurt sprout eating mother f**ers Who get run over by a bus drive by a guy Who smokes three and a half packs a day "Sorry officer, I didn't see him, I was too busy smoking!"