Dennis Leary - I'm An Asshole lyrics

Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream About me, about you, the way our American hearts beat Down in the bottom of our chests, about the special feeling We get in the co*kles of our hearts, maybe below the co*kles Maybe in the sub-co*kle area, maybe in the liver Maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon, we don't know I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job I'm your average white suburbanite slob I like football and p**no and books about war I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor My wife and my job, my kids and my car My feet on my table and a Cuban cigar But sometimes that just ain't enough To keep a man like me interested (Oh no) No way (Uh-uh) No, I've gotta go out and have fun At someone else's expense (Oh yeah) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane While people behind me are going insane I'm an a**hole (He's an a**hole, what an a**hole) I'm an a**hole (He's an a**hole, such an a**hole) I use public toilets and piss on the seat I walk around in the summertime saying "How about this heat?" I'm an a**hole (He's an a**hole, what an a**hole) I'm an a**hole (He's the world's biggest a**hole) Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces While handicapped people make handicapped faces I'm an a**hole (He's an a**hole, what an a**hole) I'm an a**hole (He's a real f**ing a**hole) Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song Ranting and raving and carrying on Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong Nah! I'm an a**hole (He's an a**hole, what an a**hole) I'm an a**hole (He's the world's biggest a**hole) You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac, El Dorado convertible Hot pink with whaleskin hub caps and all leather cow interior And big brown baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115 mph Getting one mile per gallon, s**ing down quarter pounder Cheese burgers from McDonald's in the old fashioned Non-biodegradable Styrofoam containers And when I'm done s**ing down those grease ball burgers I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag And then I'm gonna toss the Styrofoam container right out the side And there ain't a goddamned thing anybody can do about it You know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why Two words, nuclear f**ing weapons, okay? Russia, Germany, Romania They can have all the democracy they want They can have a big democracy cake walk Right through the middle of Tienanmen square And it won't make a lick of difference Because we've got the bombs, okay? John Wayne's not dead He's frozen and as soon as we find the cure for cancer We're gonna thaw out the duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well multiple that by 15 million times That's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be I'm gonna get the Duke and John Ca**avetes (Hey) And Lee Marvin (Hey) And Sam Peckinpah (Hey) And a case of whiskey and drive down to Texas (Hey, you know you really are an a**hole) Why don't you just shut-up and sing the song pal I'm an a**hole (He's an a**hole, what an a**hole) I'm an a**hole (He's the world's biggest a**hole) A S S H O L E, everybody A S S H O L E Arf arf arf arf arf arf arf Fung achng tum a fung tum a fling chum Ooh, ooh I'm an a**hole and proud of it