Andrew Hussie - Homestuck Pages 181-240 lyrics

> TT: Deploy Pre-punched Card. > John: Get card. A SHARD OF GLASS is expelled from the deck and maims the HARLEQUIN DOLL. > John: Captchalogue fanciful harlequins. You take TWO (2) FANCIFUL HARLEQUINS. The additional useless freight pushes your PDA to the last card. You then switch to the QUEUE MODUS so you can access the PDA. More gla** shrapnel flies from the deck. > ==> EB: this thing keeps following me around. EB: i think it's trying to talk to me or something. TT: That is probably the "Kernelsprite". TT: It apparently needs to be "prototyped". TT: Twice, actually. TT: Whatever the hell that means. TT: These walkthroughs are horrendously written. EB: hmm, ok. EB: well, you are the one with the cursor so just do whatever you think is the right thing to do! EB: also, fix my bathroom. > TT: Drop maimed harlequin into Kernelsprite. > [S] ==> The KERNELSPRITE has been prototyped with the HARLEQUIN DOLL. > ==> EB: i still can't understand this thing's gobbledygook. TT: That was only "Tier One Prototyping". TT: There is still another tier to the prototyping process. TT: Which for all we know merely advances this entity through increasingly esoteric states of linguistics. EB: the clock is ticking. EB: we don't have time for this asinine tomfoolery. TT: This unmitigated poppyco*k? EB: extravagant hogwash! EB: ok stop EB: stop typing whatever silly thing you're typing. EB: i'm going upstairs to the big platformy thing. TT: The alchemiter? EB: ?? TT: Try to learn the lingo. > John: Use pre-punched card with the alchemiter. There is no slot for a card anywhere to be found on the ALCHEMITER! The KERNELSPRITE followed you upstairs. > TT: Explore Atheneum. Acquiring a CRUXITE DOWEL seems to have populated the ATHENEUM with one item: a PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECT. > John: Captchalogue telescope. You snatch the TELESCOPE from its TRIPOD. Who knows, it might be useful. But more importantly, it pushes the CRUXITE to the last card making it available for tinkering. The PDA is predictably jettisoned into the yard, over the neighbor's fence. > John: Put cruxite on weird pattern on alchemiter. You place the CRUXITE DOWEL on the ALCHEMITER'S small pedestal. Something is happening... > ==> > ==> You set the ALCHEMITER to cast THREE (3) PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS for some reason, expending a total of 6 units of BUILD GRIST. These things look completely useless. What a waste! Out of the corner of your eye, you notice there's something in the sky. > John: Switch modus and use telescope to inspect sky. You switch back to STACK MODUS and get a closer look with your TELESCOPE. Whatever it is, the KERNELSPRITE seems particularly agitated about it. > ==> > ==> > ==> You're no astronomer, but its trajectory looks suspiciously head-on with your current perspective. This is a troubling development. > John: High-five Kernelsprite. You figure you've left him hanging long enough. > John: Attempt to ingest a unit of build grist. It is tempting because they strongly resemble Rockin' Blue Raspberry Gushers. However, units of BUILD GRIST are a gaming abstraction and do not seem to exist on the physical plane! There is apparently no crisis so imminent that will deter you from contemplating idiotic and frivolous actions. > ==> TT: Your dad is getting home. TT: John? TT: What did you do with your PDA this time? TT: I'm working on the bathroom. TT: But we are running low on Build Grist. > TT: Revise bathroom. > ==> > John: Run to your room and contact TT through Pesterchum. Two chums have been trying to message you. > John: Answer chums. TT: I'm working on the bathroom. TT: But we are running low on Build Grist. EB: oh man who cares about the bathroom, now there's a meteor heading for my house!!! TT: I see. TT: Do you suppose it has anything to do with the game? EB: i don't know, maybe! what do i do! TT: I think it's very likely. TT: The walkthroughs vaguely suggest an impending threat before they end. TT: The already poorly constructed sentences become even more curt and ambiguous. TT: As if written hastily and with a sense of alarm. TT: Actually, their dedication to updating the walkthrough under such circumstances is admirable. EB: wow, FASCINATING. EB: ?????? TT: If the meteor is a game construct, I think the only thing to do is to proceed, and try to solve the dilemma on the game's terms. TT: Try using the lathe. TT: It says you can use the card on it, but isn't more specific than that. EB: ok i'll do that. TT: Really, it is a labor to read this drivel. TT: If I read any more my brain will need to be spoon-fed from a jar. TT: While it blows spit bubbles in a highchair. TT: I think I will write my own walkthrough. TT: That is, after we make sure you don't die. -- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:34 -- TG: i heard you got the box TG: i hope you appreciate my heroic fatherly perseverance in getting it to you TG: in my rough and tumble dirty wifebeaterly sort of way TG: also i hope you appreciate how many no-talent douches had their mitts on that bunny before you TG: its like a grubby baton in some huge douchebag marathon TG: hey where are you EB: oh man, the bunny was awesome, but i don't have time to talk, i'm playing sburb and it's kind of a nightmare. EB: TT is breaking everything in my house. TG: dude i told you to steer clear of that game TG: and for that matter you should probably wash your hands of flighty broads and their snarky horsesh** altogether EB: and now there's a meteor coming, and i'm not even joking about that!!! EB: it's like a big asteroid or comet or something. EB: in the sky. EB: heading right for my house!!!!!!!! TG: oh man TG: how big is it EB: i dunno. EB: big, i guess. EB: i gotta go! EB: we'll talk later if i am still alive and the earth isn't blown up. TG: like the size of texas TG: or just rhode island TG: theyre always throwing around these geographical comparisons to give us a sense of scale like it really means anything to us TG: but its like it doesnt matter its always just like: WOW THATS PRETTY fu*kING BIG TG: like mr president theres a meteor coming sir. oh yeah, how big is it? its the size of texas sir TG: OH sh*t TG: or, how big is it? its the size of new york city sir TG: OH sh*t TG: sir im afraid the comet is the size of your moms dick TG: OH SNAP TG: sir are you familiar with jupiter TG: you mean like the planet? TG: yeah TG: well its that big sir TG: hmm that sounds pretty big TG: i have a question TG: is it jupiter? TG: yes sir, earth is literally under seige by planet f**ing jupiter TG: OH sh*t TG: anyway later > John: Use pre-punched card on totem lathe. You slip the PRE-PUNCHED CARD into a slot on the TOTEM LATHE. Above, the TOOL ARM deploys a configuration of chisels. Now you just need something to lathe. > John: Take cruxite to totem lathe. Cursing your lack of foresight, you return to the BALCONY for the CRUXITE DOWEL you left on the pedestal. You navigate the hallway leery of your DAD, who is presently puzzling over the new fixture in his hallway. > ==> The perfect crime. > ==> You retrieved the CRUXITE DOWEL. DAD just shrugs and heads back downstairs, presumably to do some more baking. If only he knew you were hard at work saving his a**. > John: Use cruxite dowel on totem lathe. You clamp the CRUXITE in the lathe. > John: Activate lathe. The lathe carves ONE (1) TOTEM. You take the TOTEM. > ==> EB: alright, i used the lathe to make this blue shapey thing. EB: now i guess i take it back to the alchemixer again? EB: hello??????? -- tentacleTherapist [TT] is no longer connected! -- EB: uh... > ==> > ==> > ==> A young lady stands in her bedroom. Due to a violent storm, her house has just lost power, along with her wireless internet connection. This has severed her link to a popular video game she was playing with a young man at a critical moment. That young man is relying on this young lady to reestablish a connection somehow. This young lady named... Named... It's on the tip of your tongue. What was the name of this young lady again? > Enter name. No, that wasn't it! > One more time. > Examine room. Your name is ROSE. As was previously mentioned you are without ELECTRICITY, although your LAPTOP COMPUTER still functions on BATTERY POWER. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a pa**ion for RATHER OBSCURE LITERATURE. You enjoy creative writing and are SOMEWHAT SECRETIVE ABOUT IT. You have a fondness for the BESTIALLY STRANGE AND FICTITIOUS, and sometimes dabble in PSYCHOan*lYSIS. You also like to KNIT, and your room is a BIT OF A MESS. And on occasion, if just the right one strikes your fancy, you like to play VIDEO GAMES with your friends. What will you do? > Rose: Retrieve arms from the purple box. The PURPLE PACKAGE'S contents are private! No one is allowed to look inside. > Rose: Writhe like a flagellum and puke on your bed. Ugh, what a terrible idea! The thought alone makes you sick to your stomach. > Rose: Stroke writing journal and mutter, 'My precious...' You would only resort to such an embarra**ing activity while no one was watching!!! These journals are for your eyes only. > Rose: Get violin. You captchalogue the VIOLIN, storing it the ROOT CARD of your SYLLADEX. > [S] Rose: Play a haunting refrain on the violin. You waste approximately 40 seconds playing the violin while your friend is in peril. Nice time management sk**s there, sweetheart! > John: Tell Liv Tyler you love her before impact. Since your good for nothing friend is obviously not going to bail you out in time, you issue words of parting fondness to dear, sweet Liv. Oh, if only Affleck could have been the one to make the final sacrifice instead of her stubborn, blue collar, salt-of-the-earth father. Then she would fall into your arms for consolation, and YOU would be the one to make the deceased Bruce Willis proud. > Rose: Captchalogue knitting supply bag. You get the KNITTING BAG. It occupies the LEFT LEAF CARD under the VIOLIN, per the TREE MODUS'S alphabetical sorting method. K < V. > Rose: Look out window. Your panoramic window offers a view of your yard below, and the mausoleum housing your dead cat, JASPERS, who died when you were young. Your MOM had the structure erected with a spirit of scornful IRONY in response to your youthfully innocent request to hold a funeral for the animal. At least, that is how you have come to interpret the gesture in retrospect. You can also make out a silhouette of the LABORATORY next door, a facility which likely broadcasts a strong WIRELESS INTERNET SIGNAL. You may be able to connect to the signal from a different part of the house. Perhaps if you seek higher ground? > Rose: Get laptop. You take your LAPTOP and prepare to make the journey through the house. L < V. L > K. This causes the tree to be unbalanced, so your SYLLADEX auto-balances itself. Now the LAPTOP occupies the ROOT CARD, while the other two items comprise the LEAVES. K < L. V > L. > Rose: Examine book on desk. This book is absolutely indispensable for enthusiasts of your ilk. Of which there are very few. > Rose: Take book. You take the GRIMOIRE. G < L, G < K. > Rose: Go explore the house. You leave your BEDROOM. Hanging just next to your door in the hallway is a painting of an EXQUISITE WIZARD. Your mother collects these awful things IRONICALLY. She must know how much you detest them, and there is no doubt in your mind she stores these dreadful things in the house to bother you. Down the hall to the right is the way to the OBSERVATORY. Perhaps you will be able to connect from up there? Your mother's room is also in that direction. You will have to watch your step. > Rose: Tiptoe to observatory. You approach a juncture in the hallway. Beyond the juncture is the OBSERVATORY. > ==> > Rose: Sneak by. > ==> This door leads up to the OBSERVATORY. You haven't ventured up there in quite some time. > Rose: Go through door. The door opens to an exterior walkway, leading to the observatory entrance. You've seen less inclement weather before. Oh the things you'll do to help out a friend. > Rose: Hurry up to that observatory. > Rose: Try to connect! You first put your LAPTOP down on the floor to get it situated. But removing it from the ROOT CARD causes all the branches and leaves to be severed! Your items are dumped unceremoniously on the floor. > Rose: See what you can observe. You're in a hurry, sure, but that doesn't mean you can't take moment to peek through the HUGE TELESCOPE. You find a gap in the clouds. It seems a flurry of smaller METEOROIDS is streaking steadily overhead. You're not sure what this means, but it is somewhat disconcerting. > Rose: Stack laptop on Grimoire to maximize elevation. You'll need every advantage you can get. > Rose: Access laboratory wifi network. There are several signals being broadcasted from the LABORATORY, each of relatively decent strength. One of them is mysteriously and quite conveniently UNSECURED, requiring no pa**word. You select the signal, and reconnect to the game with John. > ==> TT: I'm back. EB: hurry up and open my door!!!!!! EB: not that it even matters, i think i'm probably dead no matter what!!!!!! TT: Patience. You still haven't used the new totem. EB: ??? TT: I believe it will create the item on the punch card. EB: so what is it, like an apple or something? EB: what good will that even do? TT: We'll see. TT: I've found no evidence that anyone has successfully created the item. TT: And the content of the card appears to be variable from session to session. TT: In one instance it was described as an "eggy loking thign" [sic]. EB: do we have enough of those building j**els to make it? TT: According to the Atheneum, it is a free item. TT: This speaks to its importance, in my view. TT: Now off you go.