Andrew Hussie - Homestuck Pages 501-600 lyrics

> ==> > Refrigerator: Level up for slaying the imp. The REFRIGERATOR skyrockets up the ECHELADDER to a new rung: FIVESTAR GENERAL ELECTRIC and earns 285 BOONDOLLARS. Things are really looking up for this feisty appliance. > well done, john. polite congratulations. For some reason, you feel a sense of positive reinforcement. Wherever that feeling is coming from, it sure is a welcome change from your erratic moods earlier. > now my civil fellow, i have a well mannered query to ask TT: I blocked the entrance to the study to give you some space to work with the Designix. TT: John, imps behind you. TT: Should I take care of it? TT: You trapped your PDA again, didn't you. TT: Why did you have to pick up all that stupid shaving cream? TT: So pointless. > Rose: Drop something heavy on one of those imps. > john might i bother you for a can opener? Oblivious to the commotion behind you, suddenly you find yourself pondering the whereabouts of a CAN OPENER. You think there is probably one in the kitchen, but the path is blocked by your REFRIGERATOR. > ==> John is completely unresponsive. What the hell is that nincompoop doing??? > Years in the future... But let's not get totally carried away here. A studious eye darts about a page like a honeybee gathering the nectar of wisdom. > ==> > Rose: Construct loft above John's room. > ==> > ==> TT: Ladders seem to be a bit cheaper than stairs. > fellow john, it appears we have reached an impa**e Yes, it seems so. > the opener dilemma remains unsettled, most unfortunately It is unfortunate. I guess. What are we talking about again? > but it has been a pleasure nonetheless. Thanks for the courtesy. It's not really necessary, but thanks anyway. > oh, but thank you Ok. > thank you so very very much, dear favorable small primate > i shall take my leave now john. until next time Wait, where did all this sweet loot come from? And why is there suddenly a crumpled hat on your head? > John: Gather grist, examine designix. Feeling especially economical with your behavior suddenly, you scoop up all the grist in the room, and turn your attention to the PUNCH DESIGNIX all in one fell swoop. The device features a counter-top station design with a KEYBOARD SETUP, not unlike an old fashioned computer. There is a blinking red light, and a DIAGRAM etched into a panel. > ==> > Rose: Answer Dave. TG: ok wait hold on why am i getting this stupid game for you TG: youre the one who should be wrist deep in puppet a** TT: What is the specific problem? TG: the problem is i am up to my goddamn neck in f**ing puppet dong TT: You know you like the mannequin dick. Accept it. TG: i am enrobed in chafing, wriggling god f**ing damned puppet pelvis TG: an obscenely long, coarse kermit co*k is being dragged across my anguished face TT: Let's put this into perspective. You put up with the puppet prostate because you love it. TT: Also, coarse is a good word. TG: you dont seem to harbor any sympathy for the fact that ive burrowed f** deep into lively, fluffy muppet bu*tock TG: im whirling in the terrible cyclone at the epicenter of my own personal holocaust of twitching foam noses TG: its like a f**ing apocalypse of perky proboscis here TG: like TG: the proboscalypse i guess TT: Are you going to start rapping about this? TG: what no TG: no listen TT: Prong of flesh bereft of home TT: Found solace 'twixt a cleft of foam. TG: no oh jesus TT: Of apocalypse your thoughts eclipse TT: A painted pair of parted lips TT: That dare through kiss to stir the air TT: That teases tufts of orange hair. TT: And though faces flush in lovers' fits, TT: Hands snug in plush as gloves befit. TG: ok dickinson if you can shut your perfumey trap for a half second TG: this is serious TG: i am just saying TG: if i see one more soft bulbous bottom being like TG: kind of jutting out and impudent or whatever TG: im gonna fly off the handle TG: im gonna do some sort of acrobatic f**ing PIROUETTE off the handle and win like a medal or some sh** TT: Then let's hope there will be a squishy derriere somewhere below the handle to break your fall. > John: Observe back of the first visible captchalogue card. You flip over the top card containing your POGO RIDE. Any time you captchalogue something, a new code appears on the back of the card. You've always wondered what the code was for. Damn these things are hard to read. But then, you've never really found any reason to decipher them. Until now, perhaps? > John: Examine reverse side of hammer card in strife specibus Looks like cards from your STRIFE DECK have codes too. > John: Enter captcha code as seen on back of pogo ride card. You enter the code "DQMmJLeK" into the KEYBOARD. At least you think that's what the code is. The red light switches off. A green light begins blinking. > John: Insert card. > John: Type in nZ7Un6BI In the interest of due diligence, you enter the other code and repeat the process with that card too. Both cards are now punched with different hole patterns. > John: Attempt to retrieve pogo from card. Oh, well that should just be a simple matter of... Uh oh. It looks like it's trapped now. You don't see how you can access the item anymore, or store a new item there for that matter. These cards are pretty much useless now, and the items they contain are toast! But maybe all is not lost. Recalling from your experience with the PRE-PUNCHED CARD, you may be able to use the cards to replicate the items in question. Assuming you got the codes right, that is... > John: Mash keys heedlessly. Not quite through with your cowboy empiricism just yet, you mash at the KEYBOARD to generate a random code. You enter "dskjhsdk". The DESIGNIX stops you after eight characters, which appears to be the maximum length for a code. The green light goes on, signaling its readiness for a card. > ==> You figure you might as well burn the SHAVING CREAM since the product is not exactly at a premium in your household. You also figure you might as well merge the two cans on to one card. You're a little sad that your DAD isn't around for this. You have a feeling he would get a real kick out of the idea of duplicating more SHAVING CREAM. > ==> You punch the card with a pattern that is in no way related to the code for the item it contains. This should make for an interesting experiment. Mad science is a lot of fun. > ==> Unfortunately, you just burned another card in the process. Your deck is really dwindling now. Maybe you should have thought this through a little better. On the plus side, you just freed up your PDA, which is overflowing with the pent-up chatter of anxious pesterers. > ==> > ==> > ==> > ==> > John: Answer your chums. TG: PUPPETS TG: AWESOME TG: THATS REALLY ALL THERE IS TO SAY ON THE MATTER -- turntechGodhead [TG] changed his mood to RANCOROUS -- TT: John, I'm about to throw a bath tub through your wall. TT: Watch out. > ==> EB: wow, that was so totally unnecessary! TT: I made a shortcut upstairs. I thought it would be a good idea to get up there and try the cards as soon as possible. TT: Also, you weren't being terribly responsive. EB: you mean these stairs? EB: man, look at these sh**ty stairs... EB: they're so narrow! i'm supposed to climb those? TT: They're perfectly navigable. TT: I'm saving on grist for now. TT: If you keep slaying foes, collecting grist, and expanding the cache limit, we may not need to be so economical with our resources in the future. > ==> EB: so why didn't you just build a way up through that hole into my dad's room? TT: Have you ever been in there? EB: no. TT: Exactly. EB: huh? TT: I'd rather not get sidetracked. TT: I'm more interested in further exploring the mechanics of the game than watching you discover what sort outlandish harlequin decor your father keeps in his room. EB: oh come on. what's the big deal, i'll just climb up and go right through! TT: Will you? EB: yeah, why not? TT: Are you saying you've never wondered what's in there? Or why it's been kept a secret from you? EB: well, i mean yeah... TT: Then trust me. You won't be going "right on through." EB: wait, are you saying there's something, like... EB: troubling in there? TT: I don't know. EB: what do you mean? what do you see in there? TT: I can't see in there. EB: oh. TT: But I don't have a very good feeling about it. EB: pfff... EB: whatever! EB: i think i can handle a few more stupid clown paintings. > Rose: Move punched cards to John's room. > Rose: Drag some cruxite dowels up to John's room. > John: Collect grist, examine safe. You swoop up the bountiful supply of grist generated by your co-player's recent exploits. From now on it will probably go without saying that you'll nab any grist lying around without making a big fuss over it. You check out the busted SAFE, which has made a noble sacrifice in battle. Some of your father's odds and ends have spilled out, including some old NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS, and two rather hefty TOMES. It's a fair bet that these books comprised at least half the weight of the safe. > John: Examine family tome of humour. It's another copy of COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT OF MAGICAL FRIVOLITY AND PRACTICAL JAPERY. This one looks really old, perhaps an original printing. Could it be the same one involved with your grandmother's unfortunate accident on that fateful day? DAD would never speak a word about it, but maybe NANNA wouldn't be so tight-lipped? You give it a cursory perusal. It appears to be similar to your reprinting, listing all the japes and chicanery you have come to know and love. You captchalogue it, thinking you may give it a closer look later. > John: Examine contents of safe. You take a look at the other book. You're sure DAD thought this was a scintillating read, but it looks pretty boring to you. Maybe you'll crack into it some day when you're old enough to shave. Everything in this safe was obviously very important to your father. You wonder why he kept it locked away from you? Some things about him you will never understand. > ==> It seems he has been collecting scraps from the news over the years. These articles go back decades. > John: Look at the piece of paper taped to the wall. > John: Turn the card over. You guess this is the combination to the safe. This is completely useless. > John: Examine back of captchalogue card on floor. You guess these are all zeros? Or are they capital O's? Zeros would probably make more sense for an empty card, you think. > John: Captchalogue the card. > John: Enter code on back of card into designix. > John: Punch card. TT: Wait, John, before you punch that. TT: Oh. TT: I was about to say. TT: If you first took note of the code, then removed the card from the card, you could have punched the blank one. TT: You would have only burned one card instead of two. EB: oh yeah, you're right. EB: dammit! > John: Throw hat down in disgust. > John: Captchalogue punched captchalogued captchalogue card. What? > John: Take PDA. The two card sylladex: inventory of dumba**es. > John: Level up! > Colonel Sa**acre: Level up for slaying the imp. The Colonel soars to new heights on his ECHELADDER, reaching the rung: ONE MAN JULEP VACUUM, and pockets 9550 BOONDOLLARS. Chump change for the genteel, aristocratic southern colonel. > Bathtub: Level up for slaying the imp. The BATHTUB surges heroically and surpa**es the rung: ARCHIMEDES' AQUACRADLE, proceeding directly to vaunted rung: TAFT-JAMMER. The tub makes off with a cool 490 BOONDOLLARS. The tub's BASIN CAPACITY remains unaffected. > Safe: Level up for slaying the imp. The SAFE was slain in battle. A great flaming nautical pyre carries it off to VAULTHALLA. > John: Make your way up those stairs, posthaste. You're not sure. They look pretty precarious to you. But you've been a**ured the stairs are perfectly navigable. > ==> Lousy goddamn stupid stairs! > ==> > Dave: Ignore Lil Cal and find the beta. You wander over to the place where your BRO keeps his sweet turntable gear. Man that setup is sweet. You feel pangs of jealousy whenever you walk by it. Really cool jealousy, though. Like the kind where instead of getting all worked up about it, you don't actually give a sh**. One of your brother's rad and extremely expensive NINJA SWORDS is missing though. You know this drill all too well. Trouble's a brewin'. > Dave: Take expensive ninja sword. What sword? > Dave: Exit your bro's room. You approach the exit. There's something on the door you haven't seen before. Looks like one of your BRO'S ironic comics he left for you to check out. > ==> > ==> Ok, some of this stuff you KNOW he's just leaving around to get under your skin. This is obviously another ploy in his relentless siege of one-upsmanship to get your goat (the same goat you've been meaning to bleat like ironically, but that will still have to wait for a more appropriate time). You think he knows that deep down you feel like you're still not ironic enough to get stuff like this, and this is probably some weird gauntlet he's throwing down to see if you will "GET IT". But honestly you think this material is just a little TOO ironic. You just don't need to see this sh** right now. > Dave: Go into the kitchen. No sign of BRO in here either. Well, aside from the absurd quantity of awesome dangerous stuff he leaves lying around. > Dave: Transfer katana to strife specibus. With an escalating sense of threat, you think it's time you SHIFT (9) your KATANA (9) to your specibus. You figure it's better to free up the card anyway, since you might need to grab some of this stuff. > Dave: Set Blender to "Mix". You guess BRO stuck some FAKE BLOOD CAPSULES in that puppet? Pretty gross. > ==> You spot one of your BRO'S many WEBCAMS nearby, recording the incident. It seems you may have just been an unwitting accessory to some sort of grisly puppet snuff film. You're not totally sure how you feel about that. > ==> > Dave: Captchalogue Buster Sword from behind microwave. This might be the only thing in the whole apartment that's a bigger piece of sh** than your own sword. You put it back behind the microwave where it belongs. > Dave: Set blender to "Crush Ice". It's just sort of bouncing around in there. You're making a bit of a mess now. > Dave: Hide evidence in microwave. See, like, his hobbies are cool and all, and you guess he's got to put his sh** SOMEWHERE. But what if you just wanted to heat up a burrito or something? This kitchen is pretty much useless. > Dave: Grab those fireworks. You captchalogue all the FIREWORKS (2+1+2+1+2+1+2+2+2 = 15%10 = 5) the sink has to offer. You just KNOW these are going to come in handy. Why would they be in the sink if they weren't? Looks like one of them is still stuck in the GARBAGE DISPOSAL. > Dave: Captchalogue Shurikens. You grab the SHURIKENS (5) and... Hey! Careful where you're putting stuff, especially if you're looking to turn your sylladex into a powder-keg full of sharp things. > ==> You put the BOX OF FIREWORKS (3) back into card 5 and prepare to start ov... Or card 3, apparently. That settles that, you guess. > Dave: Take nunchaku. You take the NUNCHAKU (3), once again grabbing without thinking ahead. > ==> First you captchalogue the BOX (5) again, while adeptly avoiding the SHURIKEN trap, which you yourself set only moments ago. > ==> You again round up all the FIREWORKS. Time to regroup here. > Dave: Captchalogue each shuriken individually. You grab each SHURIKEN (3) one at a time, knocking out those NUNCHAKU. But no worries. You've got a plan. > Dave: Captchalogue nunchucks. You take the NUNCHUCKS (6). Everything seems to be in order now. It would have been bada** to go with the authentic Japanese names for each weapon, but sometimes you've just got to compromise with this modus. > Dave: Examine fetch modus. You flip over your FETCH MODUS and check out the back. You're not really sure where it is you're keeping this thing. Oh well, who cares. > Dave: Press EJECT bu*ton. Oh hell no. Not after all that trouble you went through to get that stuff situated. This is potentially a very dangerous bu*ton. > Dave: Change to Scrabble Points Hash Modus. First you program your modus with a SCRABBLE POINTS HASH FUNCTION, adding it to the list. A=1; B=3; C=3; D=2; E=1; F=4; G=2; H=4; I=1; J=8; K=5; L=1; M=3; N=1; O=1; P=3; Q=10; R=1; S=1; T=1; U=1; V=4; W=4; X=8; Y=4; Z=10; This might be a cool function to use, but it looks like you'll have to empty your sylladex to select it. You're just not gonna do that yet. No way. > Dave: Check the box "detect collisions". Ok. > Dave: Take the skateboard. And just what is this guy so happy about? What's he looking at up there? You think if you see one more soft, bulbous bottom being like kind of jutting out and impudent or whatever you're gonna fly off the handle. > ==> > ==> You take the SKATEBOARD (6). Actually, no you don't. A collision has been detected. You take the... uh... WHEELED... uh... RIDE (7). Man, your inventory's nomenclature is getting lamer by the minute. > Dave: Captchalogue the unplugged powercord. You take the POWER CORD (5)... wait, no. Not going to work. > Dave: Think of a new word for powercord. You take the BATTERY PACK (8). Dammit. You take the BATTERY PACK (9), using the 'Y' as a consonant. Your sylladex reluctantly accepts. It's a tactic notoriously employed by hashmap noobs, but you just don't care about that now. Besides, it's not like your BRO is around to see. > ==> > ==> > Dave: Search for some MAD SNACKS YO. Oh, it was just Lil' Cal again. You can never stay mad at him. Anyway, you've got to get this way rude hunger under control. You figure you oughta scope the fridge for some grub. This hunger is so ill-mannered it would make a room full of snooty dowagers commit ma** suicide. > Dave: Open refrigerator. Oh god more sh**ty swords. Of course you knew these were in here. You're not even sure why you looked. If you want to keep any food or beverages in this apartment, you've pretty much got no choice but to hide stuff away in your closet. > Dave: Take swords. The hell with it. You try to take the entire JUMBLE OF UNBELIEVABLY sh*tTY SWORDS and brace yourself for... Looks like that works, actually. (2) You captchalogue the JUMBLE OF UNBELIEVABLY sh*tTY SWORDS. > Dave: Use ice maker, it's still hot around here. You dispense several CHERRY BOMBS. > ==> Wait... Who's that looking at you in the reflection? > ==> > Dave: Captchalogue CHERRY BOMBS. You go for the CHERRY BOMBS (9) unsuccessfully. After mulling it over a bit, you take the RED SPHERICAL SALUTES (1). > Dave: Take blender. BLENDER (2) is a pretty simple word, and you can already tell that's not going to work. Instead you take the... WHIRLING BLADE PITCHER (4). That's really a much better name for it anyway, you think. > Dave: Activate garbage disposal.