[Verse 1] I'm just average, common too I'm just like him, the same as you I'm everybody's brother and son I am not different from anyone It is no use a-talking to me It's just the same as talking to you [Verse 2] I was shadow boxing earlier in the day I figured I was ready for Ca**ius Clay I said “Fee, fie, fo, fum, Ca**ius Clay, here I come 26, 27, 28, 29, I'm going to make your face look just like mine Five, four, three, two, one, Ca**ius Clay you'd better run 99, 100, 101, 102, your ma won't even recognize you 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, going to knock him clean right out of his spleen” [Verse 3] Well, I don't know, but I've been told The streets in heaven are lined with gold I ask you how things could get much worse If the Russians happen to get up there first Wowee! Pretty scary! [Verse 4] Now, I'm liberal, but to a degree I want everybody to be free But if you think that I'll let Barry Goldwater Move in next door and marry my daughter You must think I'm crazy! I wouldn't let him do it for all the farms in Cuba [Verse 5] Well, I set my monkey on the log And ordered him to do the Dog He wagged his tail and shook his head And he went and did the Cat instead He's a weird monkey, very funky [Verse 6] I sat with my high-heeled sneakers on
Waiting to play tennis in the noonday sun I had my white shorts rolled up past my waist And my wig-hat was falling in my face But they wouldn't let me on the tennis court [Verse 7] I got a woman, she's so mean She sticks my boots in the washing machine Sticks me with buckshot when I'm nude Puts bubblegum in my food She's funny, wants my money, calls me “honey” [Verse 8] Now I got a friend who spends his life Stabbing my picture with a bowie knife Dreams of strangling me with a scarf When my name comes up he pretends to barf I've got a million friends! [Verse 9] Now they asked me to read a poem At the sorority sisters home I got knocked down and my head was swimming I wound up with the Dean of Women Yippee! I'm a poet, and I know it Hope I don't blow it [Verse 10] I'm going to grow my hair down to my feet so strange So I look like a walking mountain range And I'm going to ride into Omaha on a horse Out to the country club and the golf course Carry The New York Times, shoot a few holes, blow their minds [Verse 11] Now you're probably wondering by now Just what this song is all about What's probably got you baffled more Is what this thing here is for It's nothing It's something I learned over in England