I walk the streets, I call my friends
And ask them, "Will you come out tonight?"
They tell me, "Everything depends."
Could there be anything more painless?
But those who are embarra**ed or opposed shall remain nameless
Nobody complains
And no one is resentful
For the gift of life
So uneventful
To hear me talk, would you guess that I'm alone?
Don't ask me, "Will you come out tonight?"
You know I would rather stay at home
I possess that una**uming voice of the newscaster
And I remain calm, cool and collected in the face of a disaster