OPENING MONOLOGUE
JERRY: The whale is supposed to be such an intelligent animal. You know you always here about how they can communicate by song from miles away. How extensive their vocabulary is. I would say from the rate we are pushing the whales off the beach back into the ocean the words shore and close do not appear to be in their vocabulary. I would say if the whales concentrate a little less on the singing and a little more on approaching Quervo beach volleyball tournament. If you wanna maintain the brainy mammal image.
THE BATHROOM
ELAINE: Oh, I can't believe this. What a dope! uh..excuse me umm.. I'm sorry this is.. this is kind of embarra**ing but.. there's no toilet paper over here
JANE: (from the stall on Elaine's right) Are you talking to me?
ELAINE: yeah.. I I just forgot to check so if you could just spare me some.
JANE: No I'm sorry
ELAINE: What?
JANE: No I'm sorry, I can't spare it
ELAINE: you can't spare it??
JANE: no there's not enough to spare
ELAINE: well I don't need much, just 3 squares will do it
JANE: I'm sorry I don't have a square to spare, now if you don't mind
ELAINE: 3 squares? you can't spare 3 squares??
JANE: no I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a square
ELAINE: oh is it two-ply? cause it it's two-ply I'll take one ply, one ply, one puny little ply, I'll take one measly ply
JANE: look, I don't have a square and I don't have a ply (flushing and leaving)
ELAINE: No no, no no, don't don't, I beg you
THE MOVIE THEATER
Jerry's girlfriend, Jane, returns and sits down
JERRY: (eating pop corn) hmm I love this artificial flavoring I like it better than bu*ter I think it's more consistent
JANE: you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom
JERRY: what?
offering pop corn to Jane
elsewhere in the same theater
ELAINE: hey
TONY: Hey. Hey? where is my popcorn babe?
ELAINE: what?
TONY: my popcorn, you were supposed to get me popcorn what? would you forget about me babe?
ELAINE: you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom
JANE: I mean.. a person needs a certain amount of toilet paper to be covered.. I simply could not spare it this woman just didn't get it, she kept hara**ing me
ELAINE: 3 squares!! that's all I was asking for! 3 squares!
JANE: she wouldn't stop "help me! help me!" she was insane
ELAINE: I was begging her "please! please!" she was insane
JERRY: who do you think she is? how dare she? you want me to get the manager? too bad they don't have those old ladies walking around with flashlights anymore we'd flush her out
JANE: I don't know what she looks like
JERRY: I wonder where Elaine is sitting? I really wanted you to meet her she's supposed to be here tonight with her new boyfriend Tony
ELAINE: hmm where is Jerry sitting? he's supposed to be here tonight with his new girlfriend I'm dying to see what she looks like
TONY: hey? you think if I jumped off that balcony I'd get hurt?
JERRY'S APT.
Jerry's at his computer
Kramer enters
KRAMER: hey
JERRY: hey
KRAMER: hey guy, can I use your phone in your bedroom?
JERRY: what's the matter with yours?
KRAMER: huh.. my batteries are dead
JERRY: It's not one of those 976 calls, is it?
KRAMER: look come on, let me use it, 5 minutes, I'll pay you back huh?
JERRY: why do you do that?
KRAMER: oh (goes to the bedroom)
Elaine enters
ELAINE: I am never going back to the movies again
JERRY: hey where were you last night? I looked for you, I didn't see you
ELAINE: I looked for you too, I was all the way over on the side
JERRY: oh with huh.. pretty boy.. Tony
ELAINE: yeah
JERRY: hey hey (fooling around with his collar)
ELAINE: yeah, all right ok
JERRY: Tony, hey hey (continues fooling)
ELAINE: that's nice. Listen, listen to this I am in the bathroom, right before the movie starts
JERRY: huh huh
ELAINE: I'm in the stall and there's no toilet paper
JERRY: no what?
ELAINE: toilet paper
JERRY: oh.. whoa..
ELAINE: so I ask this woman in the stall next to me for some and she refuses! ha ha
JERRY: well maybe she couldn't spare it
ELAINE: a square?
JERRY: well, you know, sometimes a square is everything
ELAINE: a ply?
JERRY: Elaine, you cannot judge a person on a situation like that. I mean it's like asking for someone's canteen in the desert
ELAINE: yeah
JERRY: it's battle conditions
ELAINE: yeah, well I just hope I run into her again ok, cause I will never forget that flinty voice, it is tattooed in my brain if I hear it, watch out So listen what happened with Jane last night?
JERRY: oh.. Jane she uh.. she uh..
ELAINE: the four of us are going out Saturday right? That should be fun
JERRY: yeah that should be real fun
ELAINE: you know what, it's getting late, can I call Tony?
JERRY: yeah
Elaine picks up the wireless phone and presses for the tone
WOMAN'S VOICE ON THE PHONE: then we'll get a cab and we'll do it in the back seat.. how's that Andre?
ELAINE: Andre?
Jerry approaches and listens to the phone with Elaine
KRAMER: (on the phone) what about the driver? we could get an accident
WOMAN so what?
KRAMER: oh that wouldn't be very good
JERRY: (on the phone) hey Andre, get the hell off the phone!
ELAINE: what, what is going on? what.. who is Andre?
JERRY: Kramer's Andre, he's fooling around with these 976 numbers (Kramer walks out of the bedroom) hey I told you, I don't want you doing that on my phone
KRAMER: Jerry, I'm telling you, this phone s** thing is hilarious, like this woman Erika, here look (showing the ad in the newspaper). You gotta call her, the voice she uses..
JERRY: hey you know it's weird because that voice sounded a little familiar to me
KRAMER: hey, you're hungry? Monk's?
JERRY: no I gotta go downtown
ELAINE: oh wait, you're giving me a lift home right?
JERRY: yeah
ELAINE: so listen, what happened last night with Jane?
JERRY: oh uh nothing, she just.. choked on a jujube
JERRY'S CAR
ELAINE: you know I hate to tell you this, but it's time to defrost that freezer
JERRY: I know, I just can't bring myself to do it meanwhile that freezer keeps getting smaller and smaller (she smiles) (Elaine looks at her watch) oh, don't wanna keep Tony waiting
ELAINE: hey you got a problem with Tony?
JERRY: hunky.. Tony.. hey hey hey (fools around with his collar again)
ELAINE: ok, Jerry, I would be going out with him no matter what he looked like
JERRY: of course you would
ELAINE: oh yeah, oh.. like you're one to talk
JERRY: Elaine
ELAINE: what?
JERRY: different for a man
ELAINE: uh?
JERRY: we're expected to be superficial
ELAINE: I'm not being superficial
JERRY: Elaine, he's a.. he's a male bimbo, he's a mimbo
ELAINE: he's not a mimbo, he's an exciting, charismatic man he just happened to have a perfect face
JERRY: and that's why you're going out with him
ELAINE: no it is not
JERRY: you know, I think George has a non-s**ual crush on him
ELAINE: I think he does too
JERRY: I mean, every time I see him, it's Tony this, Tony that. George is like a school girl around him
MONK'S CAFE
TONY: so I said uh.. "hey dude, you better step off"
Tony takes his cap and wears it backwards
GEORGE: "step off"?
TONY: yeah
GEORGE: you said "step off"? wow, that is too much hey..huh hey (George turns the cap his wearing backwards like Tony) Tony, I huh, I just had this brainstorm for us. Can you guess what it is?
TONY: no
GEORGE: bowling! what do you say bowling? bowling's insane! bowling is crazy time
TONY: bowling? I don't think so George you get no rush from bowling
GEORGE: rush? you want a rush? drop a ball on your toe my friend, talk about a rush, you'll be throbbing, you'll see visions
TONY: no no no no, I'm thinking.. rock-climbing
GEORGE: all right! rock-climbing! J..just the 2 of us? alright! hey I'll make some sandwiches, what what do you like? tuna? peanut bu*ter?
TONY: what.. whatever
GEORGE: alright alright, I gotta buy some bread
TONY: yeah yeah, you know I'm definitely down for some rock-climbing
GEORGE: me too, I am down, I am totally down, mark me down
TONY: cool, so what do you say we climb a rock mañana?
GEORGE: uh.. mañana? huh mañana might.. huh mañana might be a problem, I'm supposed to have huh a boil lanced mañana. Huh you know I think they charge me if I cancel with only one mañana's notice
Kramer enters
TONY: hey Kramer
KRAMER: hey
TONY: hey, hey Kramer my man, what are you doing mañana?
KRAMER: mañana I'm doing nada
TONY: what do you say you scale some rock with me and George?
GEORGE: uh Tony? there's not gonna be too many sandwiches
TONY: c'mon Kramer what do you say?
GEORGE: huh Kramer it's huh.. gonna be pretty dangerous up there
KRAMER: Na, I am down
TONY: yes.. alright buddy, take it easy Kramer you down to it George? what's wrong?
GEORGE: Oh no, I am down!
Tony and George high-five really hard. George shakes his hand in pain afterward
JERRY'S APARTMENT
ELAINE: rock climbing? hehe.. where do you come off going rock climbing.. rock climbing? you need a boost to climb into your bed (Elaine laughs)
GEORGE: alright alright
JERRY: yeah yeah what is it with you and Tony? what are you? it's like his sidekick now?
GEORGE: yeah that's right. I like it. He's such a cool guy
JERRY: cool guy? what are you, in 8th grade?
GEORGE: he's the first cool guy I've ever been friends with in my whole life. You know.. it's a different world when you're with a cool guy, he's not afraid of anybody. You should hear the way he talks to waitresses.. he gets free pie!
Kramer enters
KRAMER: hey
EVERYBODY hey
GEORGE: hey nice move today
KRAMER: what?
GEORGE: horning on my rock climbing trip. It's just supposed to be me and Tony
KRAMER: he asked me
GEORGE: you put him on the spot
KRAMER: you know I think you are in love with him
GEORGE: what?.. that's ridiculous!
KRAMER: no no no, I don't think so. You love him
GEORGE: you better be careful on those rocks tomorrow buddy. And you're not getting any sandwiches either
phone rings, Kramer answers
JERRY: you're making sandwiches?
KRAMER: hello
GEORGE: well I don't know if there's gonna be any place to eat up there
KRAMER: who?
GEORGE: Hey Elaine, does Tony like peanut bu*ter?
ELAINE: hates it
GEORGE: good thing I asked
JERRY: (to Kramer): who is it?
KRAMER: well she says Jane
JERRY: yeah, so?
KRAMER: well that voice, it's very familiar.. throaty, almost flinty
JERRY: did you say flinty?
KRAMER: yeah yeah, (in a flinty voice) flinty
ON THE ROCKS
Kramer and George are hanging on a rock
KRAMER: (singing) yodel lay hee hoo! yodel lay hee hoo! hello! (Kramer jumps around George from one side to an other)
ECHO: hello
KRAMER: hey George, hear that?
George is terrified
GEORGE: please please I don't want to die up here. please, stop moving that's all I'm asking.. Kramer!!
George grabs Kramer's leg
KRAMER: let go, hey grab the rock
GEORGE: what rock?
KRAMER: the rock
GEORGE: uh oh..
KRAMER: you gotta relax.. try the yodel (chanting) yodel lay hee hoo
GEORGE: (sobbing) yodel lay hee hoo..
KRAMER: (chanting) yodel lay hee hoo
GEORGE: (sobbing) yodel lay hee hoo..
TONY: (voice from below) George! Kramer!
KRAMER: yeah!
TONY: take the rope, thread it through the carabiniere and knot it, and I'll climb up to where you are
KRAMER: alright.. George you got it? (gives him the rope)
GEORGE: yeah
TONY: hey George, you got anything to eat dude?
GEORGE: (taking it out of his jacket pocket) yeah I got some sandwiches.. I got tuna.. and salmon salad Tony because I know you don't like peanut bu*ter
the ropes slides down
KRAMER: what?
TONY: dude aah.
George and Kramer look at each other
GEORGE & KRAMER: ahh..!!
JERRY'S APARTMENT
Jerry and Jane are eating
JERRY: oh look at that I got oil all over me. Can I have your napkin?
JANE: what?
JERRY: you napkin I'm dripping
JANE: well where is your napkin?
JERRY: I used it up
JANE: well I need mine (looks at her watch) oh god loot at the time, I gotta get to work
JERRY: you know I'd like to hear about this job of yours
JANE: I told you already it's very boring you know I think I got a little too much garlic, can I have a piece of gum
JERRY: you're fine (goes to the bathroom)
buzzer rings
JANE: oh how does this thing work?
JERRY: just press it
ELAINE: it's Elaine
JANE: oh come on up
JERRY: (coming out from the bathroom) who was it?
JANE: it's Elaine
JERRY: oh..huh.. is she coming up?
JANE: yeah
JERRY: oh.. uh.. you know your breath is a little garlicky you better take some gum.
JANE: ok
JERRY: Yeah have a couple of pieces, weak, weak gum yeah
Jane has her mouth full of gum and can't talk now
JANE: hmm
JERRY: have some more, take some for the road.
JANE: isn't it too much?
JERRY: trust me.. nah it's good
JANE: smell?
JERRY: yeah stinks, terrible
Elaine enters
JERRY: hi Elaine
ELAINE: hi
JERRY: this is Jane Elaine
ELAINE: hi, nice to meet you finally
JANE: it's so nice to meet you (chewing) I look forward to Saturday night
ELAINE: yeah me too
JANE: ok so I'll see you Saturday night
JERRY: Saturday night (she leaves)
Jerry shuts the door
ELAINE: what is with the gum?
JERRY: I know it's a big problem.. she puts like four pieces in her mouth, it's ridiculous, I don't think we're gonna be able to get together on Saturday night
ELAINE: because of the gum
JERRY: well it's too much, it's embarra**ing
ELAINE: why does she have to chew so many?
JERRY: she's one of these people, always have to be different
on the other side of the door
whispering
GEORGE: she's there, I can hear her
KRAMER: alright, who's gonna tell her
GEORGE: huh you tell her
KRAMER: it was your fault
GEORGE: if you hadn't come, this whole thing wouldn't have happen (back on Jerry and Elaine's side, we can hear George saying "I was the one who was invited", Jerry opens the door)
JERRY: well
ELAINE: hey
GEORGE & KRAMER: hey
GEORGE: what are you doing here?
ELAINE: did you have fun
GEORGE & KRAMER: yeah
KRAMER: for a little while
ELAINE: where's Tony?
GEORGE: oh..
KRAMER: uh..
GEORGE: Kramer was supposed to tie a knot
KRAMER: whoa whoa ginga, you were supposed to tie the knot
ELAINE: did something happened?
GEORGE: Well, Tony.. took a bit of a tumble
ELAINE: his face, did something happen to his face?
KRAMER: well it all depends on what you mean by.. happen
GEORGE: he..he's alive
KRAMER: yeah
ELAINE: what happened to his face, tell me, what happened to his face
GEORGE: Well you see he slipped, and he landed on a kinda of a..
KRAMER: rock
GEORGE: yeah.. the ambulance got there very quickly
KRAMER: it was a big rock
GEORGE: we rode along all the way to the hospital
KRAMER: yeah I sang 99 bottles of beer on the wall
Elaine rushes out
JERRY: well aside from that from that, how did he like the sandwiches?
TONY'S
ELAINE: so huh, what did the doctors say?
TONY: they said huh.. they said I'm coming along (Tony's face is covered by bandages)
ELAINE: but what else did they say
TONY: well, they said huh Tony, try to keep it clean
ELAINE: right yeah.. no I mean did they get into stuff like a.. long jagged scars or.. gross deformities, major skin grafts, stuff like that
TONY: I really don't remember, I was kinda out of it for the 1st couple of days, I was on a lot of medication, it was kinda like haze, it was pretty cool
ELAINE: huh (smiles) but huh, in this medicated haze, in this woozy state, um do you recall the words.. radical reconstructive surgery being uttered?
TONY: I don't know, I don't know
ELAINE: think Tony, think
TONY: I'm drawing a blank, babe
knock on door
ELAINE: Excuse me.
Elaine gets it, it's George
GEORGE: Hi Elaine
ELAINE: this isn't a very good time George
GEORGE: I just wanted to talk to Tony for a minute (hands Elaine some stuff)
TONY: step off George, I don't wanna see you
GEORGE: me? "step off"
ELAINE: yeah, Tony says you better step off George
GEORGE: but..why, it wasn't my fault, I .. you asked me a sandwich, I .. I make such delicious sandwiches Elaine
TONY: just beat it dude!
GEORGE: here Elaine here, Superman (hands a comic book to Elaine, who pa**es it to Tony) please, next time it will only be the two of us
TONY: there won't be any next time George
GEORGE: oh Tony don't
ELAINE: ok step off George, can u just step off?
GEORGE: I I just.. but..
ELAINE: Bye bye (shuts the door) oh.. (opens it back) George wait wait
GEORGE: yes?
ELAINE: would you throw this trash out (closes the door)
JERRY'S APARTMENT
Jane is giving Jerry a ma**age
JERRY: I've been waiting a while for this. You know it's a shame Tony got all banged up, we're not gonna be able to get together on Saturday night
JANE: Oh that is too bad, what a shame
JERRY: yeah, it's a damn shame, a damn shame!
JANE: well maybe he's feeling better
JERRY: yeah without a doubt, I'm down (Kramer enters) oh hey how're you doing? Jane this is my neighbor Kramer
KRAMER: hey
JANE: hello Kramer (he acts all weird, a la Kramer)
KRAMER: well hello Jane
JANE: Jerry told me so much about you, I feel like I know you intimately
KRAMER: (very quickly) oh I don't think so, no we never met, I never talked to you before on the phone, alright I'll see you later buddy
JERRY: wait, where are you going? where are you going?
KRAMER: uptown, to the Y
JANE: oh I'm going uptown too, you wanna split a cab?
KRAMER: what about the driver?
JANE: what are you talking about?
JERRY: alright I changed my mind, uh yeah I don't think I'm not gonna go now
JANE: well ok I'll see you later,
JERRY: Ok.
JANE: nice meeting you
JERRY:See ya. (Jane Leaves; after the door closes Kramer jumps in shock) what's with you?
KRAMER: that's her
JERRY: who?
KRAMER: Erika, she's Erika
JERRY: oh you think she's Erika, the phone s** woman
KRAMER: Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain, I'm telling you it's her
JERRY: oh you're crazy
KRAMER: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
JERRY: It's impossible
KRAMER: iIs it? Or is it so possible your heard is spinning like a top?
JERRY: it can't be
KRAMER: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
JERRY: alright that's enough
KRAMER: yeaaaaah!
MONK'S CAFE
ELAINE: he's supposed to get the bandages off on Sunday.. what if?
JERRY: what?
ELAINE: you know (acts like a monster)
JERRY: oh you're afraid he might look like Zippy the pinhead
ELAINE: yeah I mean, I mean what is my obligation here, you know we were just dating, it was probably gonna be over in a couple of weeks anyway
JERRY: oh I though you didn't care about his looks
ELAINE: I lied
JERRY: aha
ELAINE: are you kidding, he's a mimbo I know that.. but he's my mimbo, you know and even if he is a hideous freak maybe, maybe I can learn to love him, maybe in some final irony (Jerry is looking the other way), I'll learn what love really is. You know Jerry
JERRY: oh I'm sorry I didn't get most of that.. isn't that Kramer over there?
ELAINE: yeah, yeah
JERRY: hey Kramer
KRAMER: what? hey (walks by Jerry and Elaine's table) it's all set
JERRY: what's all set?
KRAMER: Erika is gonna meet me here, now we're gonna find out the truth
JERRY: how's you get her to meet here?
KRAMER: I don't know, we have a certain chemistry
Jane shows up and when she sees Jerry, she walks by their table, smiling
JERRY: oh my god
JANE: hi I thought I'd find you here
JERRY: hello.. Erika
JANE: Erika? what are you talking about?
JERRY: how can u say things like that over the phone?
JANE: what things? What are you talking about?
JERRY: selling s**ual pleasure over the phone?
JANE: I sell paper goods you jerk
JERRY: paper goods?
ELAINE: excuse me, do you have a tissue?
JANE: No, I'm sorry, I can't spare it, there's not enough to spare
Elaine realizes
JANE: Where's the ladies' room (Kramer points her)
ELAINE: I have to go to the bathroom too (runs to be ahead of Jane; Jane stops and looks back at Jerry; Jerry shugs)
MONK'S CAFE: THE BATHROOM
JANE: oh damn
ELAINE: something.. wrong?
JANE: yeah there's no toilet paper in here, I usually check but would you mind?
ELAINE: I can't, I don't have it, I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a square
JANE: Hey, wait a minute, I know you
ELAINE: that's right honey, and I know you!
Elaine gets out and she has an arms full of toilet paper
JANE: no, no, no!!!
MONK'S CAFE
Elaine after exiting the bathroom very satisfied, walks towards Jerry and gives him the rolls
ELAINE: here, take it
JERRY: thanks
JANE: (walks out of the bathroom, very furious; to Jerry) don't call me anymore
Jerry doesn't say anything and waves his hands
Jane walks by Kramer and turns back
JANE: (to Kramer, in a very sensual voice) you either
sticks her tongue out
Kramer and Jerry look at each other, with their mouths open
CLOSING MONOLOGUE
JERRY: Now of the course the thing is Extreme sports. Bungie jumping. To me if Bungie jumping is a sport so is being a crash test dummy. Just leaning does not make it a sport. It's like a Wiley Coyote idea isn't it? The thing I wonder about the sky diving is why do they even bother with the helmets? Can you almost make it? Why don't they just wear a party hat? What's the difference? You jump out of a plane from twenty thousand feet in the air the chute doesn't open I got news for you, the helmet is now wearing you for protection. Later on the helmet's talking to the other helmets going "boy it's a good thing he was there or I would have hit the ground directly."