[Verse 1: John Darnielle]
Jewel thieves, j**el thieves
Leave fingerprints on everything
Jewel thieves, j**el thieves
Leave fingerprints on everything
But around here, around here
We never dust for fingerprints
[Verse 2]
Snake oil peddlers, snake oil peddlers
We can spot 'em half a mile away
Snake oil peddlers
We can spot 'em half a mile away
But these days, these days
We drink a lot of snake oil
[Verse 3]
Adulterers, adulterers
Always give themselves away
Adulterers, adulterers
Always give themselves away
But down here, around here
Where the moose run wild and you can't think clearly
We let 'em off pretty easy