I used to drive a race car, but I won every single time
I once met the great Elvis Presley way back in his prime
And the pilot had a heart attack, yeah, so I had to land the plane
And I once saved a little kid from drownin', and I invented cellophane
I used to be a millionaire, I'd drop a thousand bucks a day
That only made me all the more lonely so I threw it all away
And I've lived almost everywhere, probably right in your own neighbourhood
I once broke out of prison and I hid out in the woods
It was there that I discovered a dinosaur, and I'd drive a blue Corvette
I once swam clear across Lake Erie without even getting wet
I'm the guy who saved the show 'cause I know how to fix a fuse
Are these pretzels complimentary? Well, I don't mind if I do
I used to play the guitar myself 'till a press crushed my hand
Have you heard of the great Otis Redding? Well, I played in his band
I once worked as a miner; I was an actor for a little while off in France
And my uncle's cousin's brother taught Fred Astaire to dance
So if you ask me how to tango I'll wear down any rug
Cause if you've seen the way those kids all dance today I swear they're all on d**
I could me a million drinks if a million drinks did appear
But I only got enough for one more little beer