Allan Sherman - If I Could Play Piano lyrics

(All my life I've loved Jimmy Durante, as I suppose you have too, and the next thing is kind of a Jimmy Durante type song that I wrote. And it goes like this:) If I could play the piano Like I'd like to play the piano I would sit down at the piano And I'd play That's how I'd play the piano night and day If I could play the banjo Like I'd like to play the banjo I'd go out and buy a banjo And a pick I mean I'd play the banjo really slick If I could play the bongos I'd go get a set of drums I'd entertain my chums And then they'd call me twinkle thumbs But I can't play the piano Or the banjo, or the bongos 'Cause when I sit down to play The people laugh So I guess I'll have to play my phonograph But my phonograph is broke My phonograph is broke My phonograph is broke I bought it in Hoboken They fixed it in Shamokin I mean it, I'm not jokin' My phonograph is broke Let's finish this, I'm chokin' I'm chokin' and I'm croakin' Hey, stop the music Stop the music Stop the music! Stop the music! The following big finish comes to you from that other great piano player, Van Cliburn Tank you!